EAST AVENUE – A huge traffic jam developed yesterday after four freshmen began to walk side by side down the side walk, eventually resulting in a dramatic collision of several pedestrians and a cyclist. “It was carnage,” one bystander reported, “the entire street slowed down, and the next thing I knew there were bodies everywhere.”…
ITHACA TOWN HALL — Early this morning, Ithaca mayor Svante Myrick announced that he would be canceling all of his scheduled meetings in favor of sewing the finishing touches onto his halloween costume with his mom. “I’m gonna be a race car driver!” said an excited Myrick as he and his mother gathered up a…
SKYBRIDGE: Residents of Court, Kay, Bauer, and Mews Halls announced this morning plans for a charity carwash to raise money for residents of the High and Low Rise residence halls. “We are all Cornellians. To see members of our family suffering in the slums of North Campus is heartbreaking. Now it’s our time to show…
North Campus — In a press conference today , President Skorton announced his decision to change up the lines separating Cornell’s Campus to make Balch Residential Hall part of Central Campus. Skorton argued that this move would significantly improve campus life. “Many people are concerned that most residential halls are too far away from the…
ITHACA- Saying that it was a “bad mistake,” university founder Ezra Cornell admitted today to screwing up the college motto that has been used at Cornell University for the past 150 years. “It was just a slip of the tongue, really. ‘I would found an institution’? Who says that?” said an embarrassed Cornell, who had…
HELEN NEWMAN- The Cornell Diving team issued a short statement today, announcing the hiring of new assistant coach Margaret Baxter to nobody really. “We’re excited to welcome Margaret Baxter to the Cornell diving family, where her previous expertise will go unnoticed by almost all of the student population,” boasted head diving coach Joe Lucia, who…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- In an attempt to raise interest in a football program that has struggled in recent years, the Cornell football team announced today that it would begin a new rivalry with the concept of winning, starting this season. “We really just needed to get some of these Cornellians energized and excited to watch our…
ITHACA- Bill Gates’ visit to Cornell this week is packed with events, including the Computer Science Department’s 50th anniversary and a Q&A session with President Skorton, culminating in the dedication ceremony for Gates Hall. During his stay, Gates will announce the overall goals of the academic building, which include encouraging budding young computer scientists to…
High Rise 5– After just a few weeks at school, freshman Jay Cousins knows every single person in Cornell University’s Class of 2018 after stalking them all on Facebook. “I obviously started with the hot girls immediately after joining the Class of 2018 Facebook group, but then moved onto frequent posters and potential roommates. Before…
GANNETT– University Officials released a statement that the Ebola virus spreading throughout West Africa has very little chance of affecting the Cornell community, after which they added that they had “probably jinxed it now that we’ve mentioned it. Fuck.” Dr. Kent Bullis, director of Gannett Health Services, said that the U.S. healthcare system is comprehensive…
