High Rise 5– After just a few weeks at school, freshman Jay Cousins knows every single person in Cornell University’s Class of 2018 after stalking them all on Facebook. “I obviously started with the hot girls immediately after joining the Class of 2018 Facebook group, but then moved onto frequent posters and potential roommates. Before…
GANNETT– University Officials released a statement that the Ebola virus spreading throughout West Africa has very little chance of affecting the Cornell community, after which they added that they had “probably jinxed it now that we’ve mentioned it. Fuck.” Dr. Kent Bullis, director of Gannett Health Services, said that the U.S. healthcare system is comprehensive…
By a squirrel. You wanna go, you piece of shit? I’ll do it, man, don’t test me! You think just because I’m a squirrel and you’re an adult human being, I’m afraid of you? I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ve been the top squirrel around here for months, man. I don’t mess around, and…
MEWS HALL — Student Assembly Candidate Ingrid Ahlers ‘18 is currently leading in the fall election, likely due to the fact that her name comes first on the ballot. CU Nooz surveyed over 250 students who had already voted, and all agreed that the biggest quality they look for in a candidate was how far…
Ithaca, N.Y.— Ominous Black clouds hung over Ithaca this Monday as the Cascadilla Gorge trail was re-opened. The trail, which cuts through college town, was closed six years ago under mysterious circumstances. Many members of the Ithaca community expressed outrage over the re-opening. “Six years ago an unspeakable evil ravaged this land,” bellowed Ithaca resident…
DAY HALL — President David Skorton announced today that Cornell has surpassed its $4.76 billion fundraising goal set in 2006. He then announced plans to “put the money in our savings account in case of a rainy day.” “At this point, it certainly would help maintain our peace of mind if we had $4.76 billion…
BARTON HALL — The CUPD announced last Friday that they have successfully eliminated the word “assault” from their vocabulary. “We’re pleased to announce that we have successfully removed the word “assault” from all of our written and verbal interactions, both within the department and with the public,” explained spokeswoman Ginette Vargas. “We’re also pleased to…
GANNETT — A serious hardship for Cornell students is the steep hike up Libe Slope from West Campus, which often results in fatigue, soreness and loss of legs. Cornell Student Health Services has announced plans to open facilities at the summit of Libe Slope for the express purpose of re-attaching limbs that may have fallen…
ITHACA — Cornell Facilities Services has announced that construction of the Klarman Hole is on track and scheduled for completion by December of 2015. The new hole will be located adjacent to Goldwin Smith Hall on the East Avenue side, where it shall serve as Cornell’s “Hole for the Humanities.” This concept, as detailed by…
PITTSBURG, PA—A positive energy swept through Cornell this morning as it was learned that the college was once again ranked the top university in the country by Billy’s mom. “You know, I’ve seen a good number of colleges in the northeast, and I just know that Cornell is just the best one out of all…
