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Fun in the Sun: Student Sits Near Window in Library
ARTS QUAD–WAHOO! It’s 75 degrees and sunny in Ithaca which means it’s time to lather on that sunscreen, blast those summer tunes, and proceed to the library as normal. There are prelims tomorrow. “It’s gonna be so SICK dude!” exclaimed Thomas Roland ‘24. “First I’m going to walk to Olin as slowly as possible. I…
Op-Ed: Anti-Italianx Bias? Professor Won’t Let Me Miss Prelim to See the Mario Movie
Mamma mia! Just as the Koopa Bowser always rises again to kidnap the innocent Princess Peach, so too does the dragon il racisme return to menace society’s most undeserving victims–the proud peopleof Italy. Like the volcanic ash settling on Pompeii, I have seen my hopes and dreams smothered under a dark cloud of anti-Italian bias….
Student Forced To Forage For Berries, Twigs After Staying On Campus Past 5PM On Weekend
CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night. “This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on…
Oblivious Economics Professors Ecstatic Over Sudden Spike in University Students Researching Coins
WARREN HALL— For Slope Day 2023, the Slope Day Planning Board has rocked the student body with their selection of the world-renowned trio of Chase, Ryan, and Joe from Tennessee. Although the star-studded booking was the result of a nationwide talent search that captured the attention of the undergraduate population, not everyone is with the…
Communist Roommate Real Fucking Cagey About Sharing Gas Costs on Road Trip
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
Cornell Secret Societies Send Formal Rejection Letters to All 14,950 Undergraduates Without A Building Named After Their Grandfather
WEST CAMPUS— In an effort to reduce uncertainty over who is and is not allowed in their secret spaces, Cornell’s secret societies have engaged in a mass mailing campaign to inform the children of normies that they were not chosen to join their groups. “We have noticed an uptick in the confidence of the unfortunate…
Report: Angel of Death Will Not Spare Touchdown the Bear This Passover
HEAVEN—God and the Angel of Death have announced plans to kill Touchdown the Bear, a Passover gift for Jewish and Gentile Cornellians alike. “I have tried time and again to deal with Touchdown and his many crimes against the Jewish people, but it seems My methods have been too lenient thus far,” saith the Lord….
Death Of The First Born? Younger Brother Going To Yale
TENAFLY, NEW JERSEY—Visiting home for a seemingly uneventful Seder, Dan Waxman ‘25 found himself effectively slain in the minds of his entire extended family after his younger brother was accepted into the far more prestigious Yale University. “I feel like a ghost,” complained a saddened Waxman. “Last year I was ‘Mr. Ivy League,’ but now…
Delusional Students Rejoice: Hot Professor References Recent Divorce
Chaos erupted in McGraw hall on Monday morning following an offhand comment made by Professor James Prew, in which he mentioned that he recently endured a difficult split that left him fractured. Among Prew’s most enthusiastic students was author of a fan fiction entitled “Prew Me Harder Daddy,” Stacey Sinclair ’25. “I did the math…