The administration has effectively closed the arts quad statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D. White, citing a lack of proper resources available to secure and maintain these historic monuments. Students are prohibited from looking at, sitting near and taking pictures of the statutes, and are discouraged from “enjoying them from a safe distance” according to…
Due to nonessential labor and upkeep costs, Cornell’s famous chimes have been removed from the clock tower. President Skorton refuses to let the campus go without music, however, telling CUNooz: “I asked my 16-year-old nephew Colin if he had anything to play music on. He said I could use his old ‘amp’, as he just…
In light of recent cutbacks on campus employees, beloved Oakenshields worker David “Happy Dave” Stravinsky has been asked to take a leave of absence and will be replaced by another, less enthusiastic employee. Happy Dave has worked as a greeter, card-swiper, and rodent exterminator for Okenshilds since 1973 when he graduated from Cornell University. Dave’s…
The large construction project on Goldwin Smith Hall has been indefinitely put on hold in the wake of the recent administration shutdown. CU Nooz went down to the site to check on the out-of-work construction personnel, who remained on location eating bagged lunches and cat-calling female students. Construction worker Tony Aioli told Nooz “These guys,…
After a recent vote by the Board of Trustees, the Cornell Administration will undergo a shutdown effective October 7th at 2 p.m. The administration urges students to continue their academic experience normally. It is suspected that the shutdown resulted from the board’s year long attempt to deadlock the Skorton administration out of finalizing changes to…
Ted Donato, head coach of the Harvard Men’s Ice Hockey team, has threatened to cut off funding to ECAC, thereby shutting the entire organization down, unless 11 additional historical wins against Cornell are added to Harvard’s record. Such a move would tip Harvard’s total wins over the past 104 years above Cornell’s. “We have tried,…
In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty. “This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.” Since…
ITHACA, NY — Cornell Junior James Pratchett, who will win a seat in the US Senate in 2037, capped off a night of drinking at a friend’s house by throwing up into his fishbowl and leaving before he could be confronted about it. On the way home, Pratchett — who will be remembered by his…
In an effort to secure a job after graduation, Carl Collins ’14 indicated “object permanence” as a “Special Skill” on his professional resume. The ability to understand that objects exist even when not being directly observed is believed to be acquired in almost all humans before the age of two, but Collins…
In the wake of last year’s scandal, audience members were shocked to find Ke$ha defecating on the bleachers of Barton Hall last evening. In holding the concert on a Sunday night, the Cornell Concert Commission sought to reduce hospital transports and minimize the risk of a repeat incident of the bleacher-shitting that occurred during last…
