MORRISON DINING—A boisterous bunch of men clad in red demonstrated their considerable appetites in Morrison Monday night, eyewitnesses report.
These towering, well-built young athletes flooded the dining hall after release from their respective practices in droves large enough to increase the median height of the Morrison diner by a whopping four inches. Observers described their confident, social physicality and fraternal jostling as everything from intimidating to “curiously homoerotic”.
“I was standing behind a couple of these beefy guys. I think they were football players,” recounted a flustered Elliot Sawyer ‘28. “We were in line for burgers—the first guy took four buns and put eight patties in each one. Then they both laughed, and the one dude laid his arm around the other’s shoulder… it was so gentle. Their back muscles were rippling through their sweaty shirts… I’m sorry. I lost my train of thought.”
While these student athletes’ inhuman capacity to inhale food initially posed a problem for Cornell Dining’s protein reduction effort, the two parties seem to have come to an effective compromise. “We’re making an exception for the athletes,” explained Alexei Lipovsky, a dining coordinator. “These measures are part of a broader sustainability initiative, and it’s actually in the program’s best interest to give these bulky blokes as much meat as they can get. Our scientists believe that studying their remarkable metabolisms could offer groundbreaking insights into the future of sustainable agriculture and nutrition.”
At press time, Morrison employees were seen frantically washing and restocking plates in hopes of keeping pace with the stack of licked-clean dishware growing at a baffling rate on every athlete’s table.
