WEST CAMPUS— At this Saturday night’s Mu Alpha Nu party, Conrad Squid experienced a humiliating rite of passage for all Cornell freshmen males. After the usual chorus of “who do you know here bro?” “Name five brothers” and “Not tonight man” had subsided, the brother on door, Brandon Vines ’24 did something completely unexpected. “Thank…
SPACE SCIENCES BUILDING—Despite the early hour of the advanced astrophysics class, Professor DeGrasse was reportedly unfazed by the glazed eyes of his sleep deprived students. Thanks to his early morning trip to drop his four-year-old son off at day care, the Professor had a trick up his sleeve that was sure to get his students…
Why, you should be absolutely chuffed to bits! Your sneaky link has given you a new steamy confirmation of their desires for you in the form of a SMS message: “G-893496 is your Google verification code.” You know it is them. It just has to be them. They have tried to obscure their identity from…
MYRON TAYLOR HALL—While most would be thrilled to have such dedicated fans following their career, controversial political pundit Ann Coulter was reportedly “extremely disappointed” that the crowd at her appearance on Wednesday consisted primarily of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! enthusiasts. “The midterm elections just happened,” the actress, renowned for her Oscar-worthy and emotional performance…
ROSE HOUSE– After a surprise run-in with an acquaintance in the hot line at Flora Rose House Dining Room, one particularly affluent student was shocked that one of her friends could possibly have to earn a wage to afford school. “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry,” apologized Ashileigh Kennedy ‘24. “I had no idea….
STEWART AVE—The residents of 522 Stewart Ave were faced with an unprecedented predicament this morning after their night out, which began quite typically, ended with their acquisition of 26 year Duke Construction Company veteran Stanley Jurgis. While the group has plundered other objects in the past, their theft of a fellow human being is a…
NORTH CAMPUS – A Cornell social fraternity proved their commitment to campus safety by becoming the first and only fraternity to pass their fire and safety inspections this year. The brothers claim to have worked very hard to fix up their house, which normally injures dozens each week. “I’m not shocked we passed,” said brother…
When people think of Cornell’s most distinctive features, they usually come up with three things: the gorges, former president Hunter R. Rawlings III, and the swim test. The last is particularly renowned, with many alumni citing it as among their most formative college experiences. But a dark truth hides beneath the pool’s chlorinated surface. For…
We Would Be Together (Which Would Get Me A Lot Of Clout With My Friends Because They Respect Authority) And Imagine The Recognition Walking Around The Arts Quad And Some Gov Major Sees Us And Asks “Isn’t That Ryan Lombardi, Vice President Of Student and Campus Life Of Cornell University And Oversees Over 1,200 Staff…
COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors. “I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to…
