COMSTOCK HALL—Biology Major Jay Kottlier ‘26 was left awestruck in his BIOG 1500 laboratory meeting this week following his successful utilization of a pipette. Upon witnessing the device move a small quantity of liquid from one container to another, Kottlier reported being filled with an immense certainty that mankind would soon bring about its own…
MILSTEIN HALL–Armed with a hot glue gun and 218 boxes of uncooked pasta, fifth year AAP student Julia Pisano undertook the challenge of a lifetime: the construction of McGraroni Tower–a 1:20 scale model of Cornel’s most notable landmark. Upon its completion, instead of stepping back and admiring her marvel of modern architecture, Pisano broke into…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Although football fans across campus are sure to miss Big Red’s most beloved bear, they can rest easy knowing that Touchdown has found a delightful new home with lots of butterflies and plenty of room to run around, according to a Friday morning email from President Pollack. While the news is bittersweet for many,…
Olin and Uris, a pair of twin freshmen in the Dyson School, were found to be blissfully unaware of their Cornell legacy. “People keep saying how cute it is that our parents named us after their alma mater, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t go here,” commented Uris, bending to pick a singular blade of…
Every day at noon, I begin my arduous trek to the piss palace which I had carefully chosen on the ninth floor of Bradfield Hall, a place so far off the beaten path that no mortal man would dare to venture. See, a man’s experience in the bathroom is a sacred thing; it’s a time…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — In an ingenious display of sophistication, first-year student Ryley Carpenter confidently typed his first essay for HIST 1260: The Italian Renaissance in a font sure to catch his professor’s eye: courier new . “I’m confident in my writing, but I’m always looking for that extra edge to take it up a notch,”…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
COLLEGETOWN—In an act of generosity that has been deemed “his literal one job” and “below the bare minimum,” one landlord has responded to a report of a broken dryer by installing a completely new broken dryer. “Look, there are two main functions of a dryer,” local landlord Jimmy Hilton ‘96 explained. “The first important function…
WEST CAMPUS—Students on West Campus awoke this morning to a startling and deeply disturbing sight: Libe Slope. “I really thought it would’ve eroded by now,” said Earth Sciences junior Thomas Fieldston. “I mean, you’ve got students marching on it all day, crazy unpredictable weather, and Goldwin Smith, which has gotta weigh a ton.” Students are…
NORTH CAMPUS–In the wake of budget cuts and reprioritization, the one psychiatrist in charge of caring for Cornell’s entire student population has found themselves overwhelmed and unaware of whom they can talk to in a crisis. “Look, there are 25,000 students at this university, and they need adequate mental healthcare,” stated Dr. James Skinner, hand…
