As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to evolve, Cornell has once again revised its health and safety guidelines for students. Feeling confused about when and where you should wear a mask? Fear not—CU Nooz is here to help! 1. Masks are not required for any student who has achieved Dean’s List in at least two semesters,…
DAY HALL—Following the announcement of a federal lawsuit accusing Cornell of conspiring to withhold adequate financial aid, Cornell University has offered penance in the form of shelling out further to the university corporate sponsors. “We know this looks bad, but we are committed to making things right,” said Director of Financial Aid Jenn Mackrel ‘84….
THURSTON AVENUE—In light of accusations that Cornell discriminates against students who disclose mental health struggles in their college applications, students and administrators were excited to finally have a parsimonious explanation for the school’s well-known gaiety. “Friends at other schools always ask me why students at Cornell seem so happy and satisfied with life, and I’ve…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL STAIRCASE—In a landmark win for woman across the nation and Cornell University’s campus, Sophie Yaxley ‘24 witnessed the unthinkable as a girl “man-walked” up the stairs two-at-a-time in a “watershed moment” for gender equality. “I didn’t even know we had the ability to do that,” said Yaxley ‘24, “I was absolutely stunned….
COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement. “Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this…
DAY HALL—Much to students’ chagrin, sources confirmed that Vice President for Student & Campus Life Ryan Lombardi had seen his own shadow, an event purported to foreshadow an additional three weeks of prelim season in Cornell folklore. “It’s disheartening, to say the least,” said Melanie Bush ‘24. “Some people say that looking to a university…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The beginning of each semester is filled with students vying for acceptances into the ranks of Cornell’s most competitive extracurricular organizations. This semester, the Cornell Startup Fund For High Potential Future Entrepreneurs (CSF^2HPFE) appears to have claimed the title of lowest acceptance rate, after receiving exactly zero applications. “Every semester we face the…
ZOOM—Last Thursday, Hilda Bowers ‘23 zoomed into her online Math 3930 prelim only to be informed that new restrictions to prevent cheating required that she fit her hands, face, and big juicy butt into the frame of the camera. “I understand why they want to see my eye movements and what I’m writing on the…
COLLEGETOWN—Following months of delays since this past summer, Ithaca Beer Co. has promised they will finally open once they’ve acquired gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. “We were hoping the issues we had with acquiring our liquor license would be the last of the obstacles we would encounter,” said owner, Mark Speltz. “I haven’t had…
Many a year ago, when I still had about me the sprightly air of youth, I had felt myself most fortunate to have secured entrance into a finishing school where I was to polish those homemaking topics which are appropriate to the instruction of a young lady: pianoforte, embroidery, multivariate calculus, continental philosophy, organic chemistry,…
