SILER CITY, NC—In response to a Cornell Daily Sun article on campus diversity initiatives, Facebook user Alfred “Al” Dickinson ‘55 utlized the comment section to express his desire for a return to a bygone era in the university’s history—one that was apparently strongly reminiscent of the American South during the first half of the 20th…
COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch. “At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. “But then I got a…
MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before…
ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback. “Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe and pulled it into the…
ITHACA—For more than fifty years, The Beatles have been hailed as the greatest band of all time, boasting more than 600 million records sold. Since the formation of the group in 1960, many have considered them to be the pinnacle of commercial success and cultural impact. But does that make their music good? No. In…
RICHMOND, VA—In a devastating blow to the egos of students who watch Big Bang Theory, Alicia Iturbide ‘22, the sole female student in CS 4200, has denied her fourth invitation to play Dungeons and Dragons this week. “Turning Carl down was kind of a no-brainer, to be honest,” Iturbide said of Carl Werther ‘21, the…
COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots to his Instagram story. “Yeah,…
STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break. “It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, there just hasn’t been the…
WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird. “There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but absolutely no discussion of all…
TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid of any self-awareness. “It’s gotten…
