STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave. “It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned…
THURSTON AVE—The start of the new year brings the start of a new rush cycle. Cornellians enter mortal combat to join illustrious and historic organizations such as Pi Omega Omega and Pi Epsilon Epsilon. But what of those who hesitate? After all, some are unsure about spending cash for friends. For those individuals, the brotherhood…
COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their…
CASCADILLA HALL—Amidst the fervent anticipation for the new semester, none were more excited this past move-in weekend than 62-year-old Brett Fauning. Sporting his famous “Cornell Dad” hat and sweater combo, Mr. Fauning was ecstatic to finally be spending some quality time with his son’s roommate. “All last semester he was asking ‘How’s my buddy, Henry?’,”…
With a flourish, Target Employee of the Month Cathy Peterson proudly set a single gleaming menorah on a far back corner of the store. The Hanukkah section was ready for its big debut. A self-described spokesperson for the Jewish people, Smith dedicates herself to philanthropic pursuits such as these to honor the singular practicing Jew…
OLIN LIBRARY—It’s in with the new and out with the old at Olin Library during its new renovations! The flooring, walls, ceilings, and furniture of the building will get an upgrade, but the transformation will also replace the old and dirty Rare Books collection with newer, more modern literature. A dusty, vibe-killing original copy of…
LYNAH RINK—Confusion quickly broke out among Cornell Hockey Team players Saturday upon discovering they had misinterpreted Coach Mike Schafer’s directive to “play like a Cornell man” as a request to throw the Colgate game. According to Team Captain Caleb Johnson ‘24, Schafer’s statement appeared to indicate players should exhibit a subpar performance in accordance with…
“WHAT WOULD THE FOUNDER THINK?!”—This is a common and deeply scathing critique at Cornell; the prospect of disappointing our university’s proud patriarch, our Big Red Daddy, bears undeniable rhetorical strength. Nonetheless, as a leading scholar on the life and times of Ezra Cornell himself, I can say with some certainty that Mr. Cornell would not…
DUFFIELD HALL—Feeling tricked after spending her first few weeks of consulting club membership as a Krispy-Kreme saleswoman instead of practicing insider trading tactics, Emma Nichols ‘27 formulated a strategy to reach her sales quota early. She developed this donut-distributing plan based on advice from her mentor at CCCBD360, who sold out of their stale boxes…
WEST CAMPUS—No self-respecting student would ever dare to eat dinner alone, so all eyes were on Jaden Lewis ‘25 last night at Becker House as he appeared to finish his meal entirely by himself. Patrons stared at the pathetic nobody in a mixture of pity and disgust as he filled his plate and slowly meandered…
