OUTSIDE DAY HALL – After zipping up his jacket all the way to his chin, putting on a second pair of socks, and donning a fluffy winter hat, reports indicate that spring transfer Kyle Ortiz ’20 is already cold. “Brrr, it’s cold here! Certainly different from the University of Miami,” said Ortiz, seemingly unaware of…
WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and…
BARCELONA, SPAIN— Judging by her fun-looking travel updates on Facebook, after only a week of adjusting to a foreign country, study abroad student Maddy Jackson ’18 is excited to party in Spain exactly as she would in America. “The nightlife here is amazing, I went to a club with friends from Cornell and stayed until…
FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor said of the 20 year…
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen pizza from the comfort of…
TOMPKINS COUNTY, NY — After approving the grades that would lead 58 students to tears and 17 to change their majors, asshole math professor Nancy Druckman began piping royal icing between walls of delectable cookies to assemble her adorable holiday gingerbread house. Professor Druckman, commonly referred to as “the devil in flesh”, constructed baby Jesus…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head. “I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, but I can’t shake the…
Hey friends. Just thought I’d check in because all week, there’s just been one, singular question on my mind. Seriously, this puppy’s been keeping me up all night. If you die, what happens to your BRBs? Is it like a next-of-kin thing? Like a “oh hey, sorry your brother died, but at least you’re set…
BEAR NECESSITIES — Finally taking off his headphones, freshman HEY IS THERE A SAM HERE? came to the Nasties counter last night to pick up his chicken tenders six hours after they were first ready. After about fifteen minutes of calling from the Nasties screamer, the other students in the grill began a series of…
The change in weather and endless Jingle Bells on the radio can mean only one thing: Christmas is coming! That’s right, the best time of the year is here again. Get ready for some family fun, exchanging gifts, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. But along with the most wonderful time of…
