ITHACA, NY – After the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity’s charter was revoked last June, the University has stated plans to make repairs to their old fraternity house at 625 University Ave. hoping to incorporate the property into the Alice Cook House community on West Campus. That is, unless ATO has got anything to say about…
NORTH CAMPUS — Amidst growing concerns of insufficient student housing, Cornell has announced that a new spatial dimension will be constructed on North Campus to accommodate the incoming class of 2020. “We used to have to force triples and quads in some of the high rises, but recent advances in technology mean that we can fit…
Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled about the SCOTUS decision that…
STEWART AVE—Beset with an infestation the likes of which have not been seen since the Old Testament, Collegetown resident Andrew Blum ‘24 took to the internet to voice his frustrations. While Blum’s apartment is both spacious and luxurious, especially when compared to other Collegetown rentals, the veritable menagerie of non-human residents forced him to lower…
COLLEGETOWN — Citing the steady stream of misfortunes that have befallen him in his first three years at Cornell, Senior Larry Alexander estimates that he will probably have at least 30-40 good fuckups before graduating in May. “If the past three years have served as any indicator, I’m pretty sure I’ll have screwed myself over…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With the “Drop” period coming to a close this Wednesday, sophomore Human Development major Sasha Wither ’23 exercised her legal right to choose by dropping a class from her schedule 12 weeks into the semester. “I am so thankful I live in a country where I can decide for myself to abort…
Seeking to fill a void in science requirements, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is now offering a class on plants. The class was created after several complaints concerning the difficulty of current science requirements. Classes like Bugs and Rocks were apparently “too difficult for most of the Communication and AEM majors taking them”…
OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus. “We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop…
Ted Donato, head coach of the Harvard Men’s Ice Hockey team, has threatened to cut off funding to ECAC, thereby shutting the entire organization down, unless 11 additional historical wins against Cornell are added to Harvard’s record. Such a move would tip Harvard’s total wins over the past 104 years above Cornell’s. “We have tried,…
MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…
