URIS LIBRARY — Uris Library has angrily clarified today that “under no circumstances are cocktails to be consumed in the Uris Cocktail Lounge,” confusing a large number of students. “You are not allowed to drink alcohol in Uris Library and attempts to do so will be dealt with accordingly,” explained the Library spokesperson in spite…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD— Due to some technical difficulties within the lighting department, the University’s annual homecoming weekend celebrations were kicked off with a 30 minute display of a Windows screen saver. “I stepped away from my computer to grab a hot dog for what I thought would be no more than five minutes,” said laser show…
After a recent vote by the Board of Trustees, the Cornell Administration will undergo a shutdown effective October 7th at 2 p.m. The administration urges students to continue their academic experience normally. It is suspected that the shutdown resulted from the board’s year long attempt to deadlock the Skorton administration out of finalizing changes to…
I was sitting in my first Zoom class of the semester, blissfully chewing the singular grape I salvaged from the Toni Morisson honeydew trough, when my FWS professor asked us to debrief on the 200-page reading assignment that, quite frankly, I thought was a joke. I laughed for a moment, thinking that it would be…
DAY HALL — President Skorton was surprised Monday to discover dozens of small children sitting in Day Hall joining the protest of Cornell’s newly-instituted health fee. The grumpy five- and six-year-olds stood alongside their articulate, college-age peers at the organized occupation of the University’s administrative offices to have their shrill voices heard. “I anticipated some…
ITHACA- Reports indicate that since reading the headline of this article, “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters,” the Cornell alma mater, has been stuck in your head. It is being noted that at this very moment, you are reciting the line “With its waves of blue” in your mind, while softly humming the tune out loud. Further reports…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- After completing a successful 1-9 season, The Cornell Big Red football team were awarded individual participation trophies this morning. “We certainly didn’t win every game, but my boys gave it their all and I’m incredibly proud to award them with recognition of their participation,” said Coach David Archer, carrying a box of plastic…
WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a…
OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. “Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you…
ITHACA WASTE LAND, NY -In a statement issued to the press from the dark corner of the Chapter House, David Skorton warned students to prepare themselves for the winter storm expected to continue through Thursday. Having initially called attention to himself through a sordid laugh, the President warned the Cornell community, “Storm’s coming. I hope…
