RHODES HALL — Walking around the faculty lounge like some kind of big shot, Assistant Professor of Applied Mathematics Hermann Schweitz is reportedly talking to the full professors of his department as if he’s hot shit or something. “So, are you guys going to the colloquium talk this afternoon? Can I come with you?” exclaimed…
WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…
The Cornell University Class of 2024 are the only undergraduate students on campus old enough to remember being kicked out of their dorms due to the pandemic, let back in again, kicked off again, and then let back in again, and finally kicked off one final time. Any proper senior send-off allows graduating students to…
DAY HALL- University officials announced this morning an annual fee will be added to tuition in order to address budget shortfalls caused by student protests. “We love that our students participate in the Democratic process by exerting their first amendment rights,” said President David Skorton, “but it is only necessary that the University be compensated…
KENNEDY HALL- In eager celebration of Saint Patrick’s Day, Mechanical Engineering professor K. Max Zhang adorned the corner of his class’s prelims with a shamrock. “I just love the the festive spirit of the holiday,” said Zhang of the day he would be administering an exam worth nearly 20 percent of his students’ final grades….
COLLEGETOWN—Caught in the midst of the Collegetown real estate busy season, Nadia Charles ‘20 and her roomate Maddie Chan ‘20 focused on acting as normal as possible while a group of prospective tenants toured their five-bedroom apartment. “Our landlord has been scheduling a bunch of tours lately, and I completely forgot this one was happening…
MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before…
KENNEDY HALL — After failing to find any of his friends in the Trillium food court, Junior Biology Major Anthony Demsas announced plans to sit directly next to you today during lunch, despite the numerous available seats located at any other table. “Do you mind if I sit here, right next to you?” asked Demsas,…
DAY HALL—After Student Assembly Resolution 15 requested that Cornell Health employ a gynecologist, administration responded with an elaborate and comprehensive response refuting any obligation they might have to grant healthcare to their students. “No,” claimed President Martha Pollack when asked whether the university could pay for an M.D. gynecologist as part of Cornell Health. When…
COMSTOCK HALL—Citing that the study of insects is a field generally considered to be “slimy,” “oh jeez, so gross,” and “no no no take that thing away from me,” the deans of every Cornell academic college released a report today indicating they had unanimously voted upon entomology to be the ickiest undergraduate major. “We recognize…
