GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL — At the end of their first class of the day, students in Professor Stuart Davis’ Freshman Writing Seminar waited an extra ten minutes past 11:00 for the school bell to ring and signal dismissal to go to next period’s class. “Are they broken today?” asked Stuart Frye ’20, tapping his #2 pencil…
LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.” “These little shits have had it too good for too…
Click to see enlarged bracket Vote here! CU Nooz is proud to announce the 2nd Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! 64 undergraduate majors will battle it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
198.58.106.214—AEM Junior Todd McKleary recently struck a chord with the robot responsible for sorting resumes submitted to Goldman Sachs after it was discovered the two share an interest in hiking. The algorithm, licensed by Goldman Sachs from UK-based system provider Oleeo, has been ranking resumes for nearly half a decade and is reportedly happy to…
ITHACA- Claiming that they were all up for the challenge and mentally prepared to face anything in their way, all 700 high school valedictorians of the incoming freshman class asserted today that they were ready to resume their status as smartest student in the school. “I worked pretty hard in my public high school to…
Our society is rife with division about most everything. Even the most seemingly minor cultural sparks can erupt into fiery vitriol. But there is one universally agreed upon truth: the annual shift into daylight savings time is a scourge unlike any other. Each year we collectively fiddle with our clocks like bored toddlers, in the…
MEWS HALL – High school valedictorian, Phoebe Young ‘20, has decided she will considerately refrain from telling her new, less intelligent floormates that she graduated first in her class. “There’s no reason to make these brainless imbeciles feel dumber than they already do,” said Young of the Ivy League students she will live with for…
HOLLISTER HALL—Last Wednesday, CUPD discovered the letters stolen from the Cornell University sign on the third floor of Hollister Hall after being tipped off by an anonymous Engineering student who was distressed by the strange geometric symbols. “We figured literacy would be a good industry skill to work on before the upperclassmen join the workforce,”…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—The new Blue Light call boxes recently installed on campus are an architecture professor’s temporary art exhibit and will not connect users to the police, the University clarified Wednesday. “I’ve decided to do my part to make Cornell more secure by creating an installation that forces viewers to ponder the true meaning of campus…
GOLDWIN SMITH—There are many downsides to being mowed down by a bicycle in the middle of Feeney Way, as I discovered at 8 AM today. Sprawled out on the crosswalk, clutching my new sprained wrist to my chest, I could do nothing but holler obscenities at the fleeing cyclist and mourn the loss of my…
