CAYUGA HEIGHTS– As students entered a local frat party last night expecting the usual mix of edm songs and ABBA trap remixes, many were confused when the DJ seemed only interested in playing a twenty-minute repeating loop of top 40 pop hits from the year 2014. Was this easy-listening aficionado simply a brother at the…
ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep. “Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every…
The Cornell University Class of 2024 are the only undergraduate students on campus old enough to remember being kicked out of their dorms due to the pandemic, let back in again, kicked off again, and then let back in again, and finally kicked off one final time. Any proper senior send-off allows graduating students to…
Oh, what’s that? Did I go abroad? Oh yes, I studied abroad. Where was I? Well, my home base was Seville, but like, I traveled EVERY weekend. What was my favorite city? I mean, that’s such an unfair question. Deciding between strolling down the Champs-Élysées in Paris or taking in the Trevi Fountain in Rome…
THURSTON HALL—Despite the imminent end of this academic year, Jameson Tucker ‘21 continues to struggle with the first problem set of the semester for his PHYS 2213 course. “I’ve been comparing with other students, coming to office hours every week, and I even bought a chegg account,” said Tucker, sitting with a baffled TA. “But…
UNITED FLIGHT 4390—Ornithology enthusiast Sam Harriman ‘27 got a real treat Thursday as his flight to Newark encountered a large flock of geese. The gaggle crossed the airplane’s path shortly after takeoff from Ithaca Tompkins International Airport. Harriman, an active member of the Cornell Birding Club, eagerly grabbed his binoculars and peered out the window….
LIBE CAFÉ—As hordes of malicious fork thieves seek to empty the coffers of Libe Café, the awe-inspiring Lord Barista, guardian of the utensils, stands at the ready to defend what’s left of the library’s plasticware. “Sorry, we can only give you a fork if you buy a salad, or sushi, or something like that,” the…
COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots to his Instagram story. “Yeah,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a beginning-of-the-semester email sent out to students this week, Arts & Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana strongly cautioned against affiliating with the college’s new reverse psychology major. “This major is only for mature, grown-up students that want to work hard, but you all little 13th and 14th graders couldn’t handle all those big-boy…
LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed. “There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.” The early grad added that with four years of…
