FLORA ROSE HOUSE—After taking several minutes to reach the front of the ice cream line at a busy dinner Sunday night, Sarah Weinberger ‘28 was forced to wait further as the patron in front of her took what experts are calling an “unjustifiably long” time to get his dessert. “It was terrible. He just kept…
OLIN STACKS—In the privacy of a measly peasant corner cubby on Olin’s 7th floor, the tears and sniffles of Owen Simons ‘26 echo down the rows of desks. Approaching his 19th hour in the stacks, the unimaginable dawned on Owen and he broke down with the certainty that he had no choice but to become…
Upset with their open-armed inclusion in the Cornell Community, campus homosexuals staged a rally in Ho Plaza yesterday in order to draw attention to issues regarding their acceptance. The rally, organized by Cornell’s chapter of the Gay-Straight Alliance, sought to air grievances with the loving community Cornell has to offer. President of Cornell’s Gay-Straight Alliance…
WHITE HALL—Facing backlash for inviting conservative pundit Ben Shapiro to campus, the Cornell Republicans have endeavored to set the record straight. Club President Justin Miller ‘26 explained this decision in a recent statement, writing: “Mark Robinson was busy.” Ryan’s full statement intended to shed some light on the situation: “We understand some of the concern…
By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 11:00 turning the mundane…
JFK AIRPORT—Throughout the record-long government shutdown, air travelers have endured widespread flight delays and cancellations as airports across the country grapple with staffing shortages. Even so, thousands of TSA agents have worked tirelessly over the past month—without pay—to meet the Department of Homeland Security’s unrelenting groping quota. “It seemed inevitable that the shutdown was going…
BARTON HALL – (Insert body of article about Cornell Crime Alert System) (Quote from Kathy Zoner goes here) (Optional: Insert student reaction)
WASHINGTON, DC—During an Oval Office press conference with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman last week, President Trump fired back at a journalist’s question about the Middle Eastern leader’s role in the 2018 murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “You’re mentioning somebody that was extremely controversial,” Trump replied, referring to Khashoggi. “A lot of people didn’t…
DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each…
MCGRAW HALL – After recommendations from his students and the administration, Professor Desmond Wallace, anthropology, has decided to start posting his articles on Blackboard. “I suppose you can say I’ve emerged from the Stone Age, per se,” said Wallace, as he proudly wrote out the hyperlinks to the online reading in chalk on the board….
