ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday. Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many…
If I am forced to endure the humiliation of being placed with three random students for a doomed group project, required to carry the burden that is creating the PowerPoint, and undergo the emotional labor of selecting the order in which the names will be listed on the presentation. (If I put my name first,…
Listen up, you assholes: all of you, with your fake orange beards that look like upside-down Troll hair and your misplaced green Mardi Gras beads, know jack shit about the esteemed religious and cultural meaning of Saint Patrick’s Day. This is supposed to be the one time of the year when people acknowledge the 5th-century…
COLLEGETOWN- A green Chevrolet Camaro crashed through the windows of Collegetown Pizza at approximately 1:34 AM, early Saturday morning. As of now, there are only 327 reported injuries, most of which were minor. All the passengers of the car, including 2 males and 14 females, sustained no injuries. Cayuga Medical Center reported that this is…
This article was sponsored by SpringFest and the Cornell Environmental Collaborative. Springfest is being held on April 22nd from 11:00am to 3:00pm on Ho Plaza to celebrate Earth day and promote sustainability. HO PLAZA — Eating an organically grown meal from local farmers and listening to live music outside Willard Straight, climate change denier Darrel…
MORRISON DINING—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted Saturday staffing Toni Morrison Dining Hall, as services across campus continue to function at a limited capacity due to the ongoing UAW workers’ strike. His presence prompted speculation from students, faculty, and striking workers alike– was he simply posturing as an everyman, or mounting a proverbial attack on…
Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every…
WEST CAMPUS—To the displeasure of his roommates, enthusiastic Redditor Alexander Nettle ‘22 returned to campus armed with months of reddit-conducted COVID research. When his roommate asked him what the highlight of his summer was, Nettle launched into a lengthy commentary on COVID-19. “This all happened because Americans don’t understand exponential growth. If I were President,…
Click to see enlarged bracket. Vote here! It’s time for the Sweet 16! This tournament is getting down to the wire—vote to make sure your favorite majors get to the Elite 8!
ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate. “There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the inconvenient slab of meat and…
