DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time. “We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty…
HO PLAZA—At 11:03am this morning, sophomore Chad Murray was seen skating down Ho Plaza like a total boss, just absolutely rippin’ it. Several sources also thought that Murray was “doing ollies like it was nothing,” and “laying down the law for all [you] young hopefuls out there” who also wanted to “kill the game,” but…
BAKER HALL — Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for CHEM 2070 and local sack of shit Jenna Liu cancelled her regular office hours this week for a so-called “family emergency,” neglecting her duties to many passionate, hard-working chemistry students. “I don’t care what elderly relative is in the hospital, I need her to finish my problem set…
GANNETT — After a steady increase in student Tetanus cases over the past year, Cornell University announced their plans to have all students receive a Tetanus vaccination before entering the infamously rusty Uris Hall. “Cornell aims to protect its students from the deadly diseases inherent on our campus,” said Deidre Moritz, a Gannett Health Services…
LOW RISES – In what has been widely regarded as a violation of students’ rights, the Cornell administration has decided to demolish the Low Rise dorms in anticipation of Cornell Days this weekend to improve first-impressions prospective students have of North Campus. “We just want to make sure visitors get the best possible experience and…
MEWS HALL — Signaling the Angel of Death to avoid the Jewish residents on the second floor of Mews Hall while delivering the 10th plague, Angela Davenport ‘18 smeared lamb’s blood on the door of each Jewish floormate. “As an RA, it’s my job to look out for the people on my floor, which is…
This article was sponsored by SpringFest and the Cornell Environmental Collaborative. Springfest is being held on April 22nd from 11:00am to 3:00pm on Ho Plaza to celebrate Earth day and promote sustainability. HO PLAZA — Eating an organically grown meal from local farmers and listening to live music outside Willard Straight, climate change denier Darrel…
COLLEGETOWN COURT — Taking on a task that can only be described as sheer ambition, junior Psychology major Christine Kilbourne plans on limiting herself to no more than one existential crisis per day. “I spend a lot of time worrying about my future, and I realized that my panic attacks waste a good portion of…
COLLEGETOWN — Last night at around 10:04 PM EST, Michael Haysworth ’16 who, prior, had consumed one too many weed brownies, was found a little high but otherwise pretty much alright by his housemates. “I’ll take getting baked over being fried any day,” said Haysworth when asked what substances he’d used in the past 24…
You’ve changed. You used to be cool, detached, stoic—cold, even—and that’s what I fell in love with when that first snowflake touched my tongue. But now you’re giving me a warmth that I’m not used to, and it’s like I don’t even know you anymore. So what I’m trying to say is, it’s not really…
