LIBE SLOPE—In an unabashed declaration of disregard for your safety, the “No Winter Maintenance” signs across campus have been revised to say “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch.” The change, unaccompanied by a statement from administration, has received a variety of reactions from students. “You know what? I gotta appreciate their honesty,” said Gustavo Lanza…
TEANECK, NJ – Justin Cochran ’17, entering his last year at Cornell, reports that he is “mentally and physically” preparing himself to drink Keystone Light Beer for the next 10 months before he can graduate to more expensive, better-tasting beers. “One more year of this, and then never again in my life,” said Cochran, relaxing…
WHITE HALL—Facing backlash for inviting conservative pundit Ben Shapiro to campus, the Cornell Republicans have endeavored to set the record straight. Club President Justin Miller ‘26 explained this decision in a recent statement, writing: “Mark Robinson was busy.” Ryan’s full statement intended to shed some light on the situation: “We understand some of the concern…
DAY HALL—After Student Assembly Resolution 15 requested that Cornell Health employ a gynecologist, administration responded with an elaborate and comprehensive response refuting any obligation they might have to grant healthcare to their students. “No,” claimed President Martha Pollack when asked whether the university could pay for an M.D. gynecologist as part of Cornell Health. When…
ITHACA- Bill Gates’ visit to Cornell this week is packed with events, including the Computer Science Department’s 50th anniversary and a Q&A session with President Skorton, culminating in the dedication ceremony for Gates Hall. During his stay, Gates will announce the overall goals of the academic building, which include encouraging budding young computer scientists to…
CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test. “By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing the registered nurse that she…
HO PLAZA—Notoriously poor socialite Pete Klein ‘23 found himself fumbling for the right words after bumping into his friend’s friend while walking across campus. Though Klein had met the fellow student on numerous occasions, and could vividly picture each moment of their multiple introductions, he found himself entirely unable to remember their name. In a…
LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan…
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to continued downsizing of the federal government, the Department of War has begun taking over many duties of the Department of Education. In their latest collaborative effort, the recent Iran endeavour has served to increase Americans’ waterway knowledge, along with whatever the Department of War wanted to accomplish. Iran was chosen in accordance…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–The world of low-performance sports was rocked this Friday when a coalition of five she-bears announced that they had each given birth to one of Touchdown’s cubs this past breeding season. “While students think of Touchdown as cute and cuddly, this teddy bear gave my clients more than just a bear hug,” alleged the…
