Every fall, a few brave freshmen reignite a generations-long trend of fire-starting in dorms. This year, Mary Donlon Hall fell victim. Such a choice calls into question the arsonist’s dedication to the hobby: If they really wanted to make a building disintegrate, why not douse some gasoline on Low Rise Seven? Arson has versatility: it…
MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days. “It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years….
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis remains in critically awesome condition, according to Holy See officials. “On February 14, His Holiness was admitted to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for complications resulting from a gnarly wipeout,” said Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni. “We pray that he recovers as quickly as his nimble board grinds down the railings of St. Peter’s Basilica.”…
THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews. “We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating to make you atone for…
FOX NEWS HEADQUARTERS, NY – In an effort to expose a clear bias amongst the Cornell community, Fox News released a video of interviews last night showing a resounding partiality by students toward a fun and entirely collegiate agenda. “When a report came out claiming that 96% of Cornell faculty had supported making the university…
ARTS QUAD—Multiple sources confirmed that the guy who streaked the Arts Quad on Wednesday night has a normal dick. “It looks just like your average, run-of-the-mill dick to me,” reported an unimpressed Jessica Saxon ‘19. “Nothing really to see there.” Other sources reported similar findings that, although often times streakers will have misshapen, or overly…
OLIN LIBRARY—Every day, hundreds of students hunker down in the Olin stacks, growing increasingly discouraged as their study sessions drag on. Etched into the Olin desks, however, are the few things that keep struggling students going: motivational messages meant to inspire. Such messages show students that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel,…
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10 bio class likes me back. All she needs is that little push, y’know? So I got a candle from Target, some yarn from Michael’s, and some spices from the dumpster behind Qawah. I laid it all on my desk, pentagram…
MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…
BEAR NECESSITIES — Finally taking off his headphones, freshman HEY IS THERE A SAM HERE? came to the Nasties counter last night to pick up his chicken tenders six hours after they were first ready. After about fifteen minutes of calling from the Nasties screamer, the other students in the grill began a series of…
