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October 2, 2025
  • Consulting Club Rejects Forced to Enjoy Youth Instead
  • Eric Adams Drops Out of NYC Mayoral Race, Excited to Pursue Corruption in Other Aspects of Public Service
  • Worst Guy You Know Looking For Manic Pixie Tylenol Users
  • Wasian Student Association To Host Mixer
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  • Consulting Club Rejects Forced to Enjoy Youth Instead

    1 hour ago1 hour ago
  • Eric Adams Drops Out of NYC Mayoral Race, Excited to Pursue Corruption in Other Aspects of Public Service

    1 day ago1 day ago
  • Please Take One! Frat Leaves Basket of Zyns on Doorstep for Early Recruitment of Trick-or-Treaters

    11 months ago11 months ago
  • “Can I be Gru?” Asks Short, Yellow, One-Eyed Friend with No Self-Awareness

    11 months ago11 months ago
  • Illegal Canadian Immigrants Descend on Lynah Rink Thanks to Josh Riley’s Open Border Policy

    11 months ago11 months ago
  • Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

    11 months ago11 months ago
  • Cornell

Tapestry Helps Roommates Feel Comfortable Telling Racist Jokes

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

NORTH CAMPUS- Reports are indicating that after attending the 7 p.m. Tapestry session at the Schwartz Center’s Kiplinger Theater, freshmen roommates Jared Dirienzo, Ian Thomas, and Shawn Kilpatrick have become comfortable enough around one another to tell racist jokes. “When you first meet your roommates, things can be kind of weird. You have to get…

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  • Cornell

Freshman Bummed To Be in Forced 3200-Person Dorm Room

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

JAMESON HALL – Upon arriving at Cornell this past week to begin his collegiate career, Vishwajit Patel ’19 discovered that he was unfortunately placed into a forced 3200-person room in Jameson Hall. “Man, I requested to be placed into a double, but now I’m stuck sharing my room with 3,199 other people. This blows,” said…

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  • Cornell

Elizabeth Garrett Fails Swim Test

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

TEAGLE HALL — After failing to swim the requisite 75 yards, Elizabeth Garrett was disappointed to announce she had not passed the water safety competency test enforced by the University. She will now need to enroll in PE 1100 – Beginning Swimming and pass the course before the end of her tenure, in order to…

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  • Uncategorized

Outdated Chemistry Syllabus Confirms Year Still 2012

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

BAKER LAB — At today’s first lecture of CHEM 2140, an outdated syllabus officially revealed that this year’s course takes place once again during Fall semester 2012. Professor Janice Stocking was proud to acknowledge that her syllabus transcends time, that the year of Tim Tebow and the Mayan Apocalypse was expressly selected for this offering…

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  • Cornell

Alert Email Warns Students of Rogue Kathy Zoner

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago01 mins

ITHACA – An email received by students and faculty this morning provided a warning that during the previous night, a rogue Kathy Zoner had been seen at large in Collegetown. “At 11:45 yesterday evening, a figure later determined to be Cornell Chief of Police Kathy Zoner was reported to be wreaking havoc outside of Collegetown…

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  • Uncategorized

Seniors Ready To Begin Final Fun Months of Life

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN – With the new school year beginning, seniors across the Cornell campus have been described as being “fully prepared” and “excited” for the final few fun months of their life. “Wow, the past three years have gone by in a flash. But now I’m ready to have a great senior year, maybe take a…

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  • Cornell

Students Can’t Wait To Learn What Fee University Imposes This Year

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL – Helplessly buzzing with anticipation over their next tuition supplement, returning students are on the edge of their seats to find out what fee Cornell will charge them this year. “Personally, my bet’s with something clothing related, like a Hat Fee,” speculated Senior Gavin Treyhoust, who went on to explain that a potential…

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  • Cornell

“What I Did For Summer Break” by Svante Myrick

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago00 mins
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  • Cornell

Alumni Dad Shows Son Old Sex and Drug Hangout Spot

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

FALL CREEK GORGE — Earlier this morning, alumni father Arthur Carrington ’79 took his son Alexander down by Fall Creek to show him where he and his old college friends used to do lots of drugs and have lots of sex. “There used to be a big tree here where we’d meet up,” explained Carrington…

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  • Cornell

Freshman Immediately Regrets Sharing “Two Dogs” as Fun Fact

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

RAWLINGS GREEN — Just seconds after blurting out “I have two dogs” to the indifferent members of his orientation group, freshman Coby Cordsen immediately regretted sharing what was supposed to be the “fun fact” about himself. “I have two dogs? Is that seriously the best I could do?” Cordsen repeated shamefully in his head. “I…

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