GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
NORTH CAMPUS — The gigantic icicle just outside your dorm has been waiting there for the past few weeks. Gaining strength. Waiting just for you. For the perfect moment to strike. “You have to stop worrying about that icicle,” warns your roommate, but you can’t stop thinking about its ominous presence outside your window. Its…
ARTS QUAD – Although the first day of Spring is technically less than three weeks away, students are calling bullshit. “If it’s still freezing and snowing every third day, it’s not Spring. That’s horseshit,” explained senior Derrick Fontaine, who noted that any claim that Spring is closer than 6 weeks away is utter and complete…
GANNETT—Cornell Health Services has been overwhelmed by a sudden outbreak of the X Disease. Over the past week, a steady increase of students, particularly those involved in the Greek system, have been affected by this contagious wave of hand-rashes. The common name for this disease derives from the defining shape of the rash, yet the…
DAY HALL — Cornell celebrated the rousing success of their plan to distract students angry about the new Health Fee by raising tuition again. “We asked ourselves, how can we get all these angry students to forget about the health fee? Then we realized — maybe they will forget about the fact that we are…
March is a slow time of the year, with the weather still cold and overcast and spring still far off. Take a look at CU Nooz’s suggestions of how to spend your time in March. The Commons has lots of cool events going on but you won’t go to any of them. Go to class….
STEWART AVENUE PARKING LOT- Cornell’s fourth annual heroin scavenger hunt was ruined last Monday after spoil sport police officers confiscated the heroin from festival organizer Roshane Henry before he and his team had the chance to hide the remaining 250 packets of heroin. “My ten year old loves the scavenger hunt. Last year she found…
CALL AUDITORIUM—A mere five weeks after the commencement of Spring semester, the BioEE 1780 Preliminary Exam found itself being passed out to 229 students in Call Auditorium. It had only just dawned upon the Prelim that these bright-eyed faces were waiting to scratch their threateningly sharp pencils on its freshly printed pages, and it was…
THE HEAVENS – As Cornell struggles through one of the coldest stretches in recent memory, local reports indicate that even the Lord Almighty himself is wondering when this intolerable weather will let up. “It feels like it’s been under 10 degrees this whole semester, and classes haven’t even been canceled yet? I mean what are…
DAY HALL – Cornell University was informed this morning that it will be placed under interim suspension for “credible evidence” of hazing fraternities, with actions such as “frequent suspensions” being reported. “We believe that Cornell has broken numerous rules in the way they are dealing with fraternities on campus, and when rules are broken there…
