McGRAW TOWER — After years of obsolescence, Cornell’s clock tower has finally undergone renovations and has been updated to a newer, sleeker digital interface at 326 pixels per inch. “With technology changing as rapidly as it is today, we need to be sure to keep up with modern trends,” said Dave Choi of the University…
By Sam Nadell, Co-Editor-in-Chief of CU Nooz Having been a writer for CU Nooz for the past three years, I’ve noticed that, whether we like it or not, the Daily Sun and CU Nooz have been in a little bit of competition. Let me just start by saying that to even be in competition with…
From the desk of Elizabeth Garrett: When I woke up Saturday morning, the last thing I was expecting to see was our beautiful A.D. White statue vandalized with the word “divest”. Look, this is an issue that we’ve been working through for a long time, and stunts like this wouldn’t usually affect any relevant decisions….
BARTON HALL – The Cornell Concert Commission is excited to announce that Canadian pop-singer and viral sensation Carly Rae Jepsen is is scheduled to perform at Barton Hall, maybe. “We’re truly delighted to have Carly Rae performing at our own Barton Hall,” stated CCC executive director Ryan Enderby, “Be sure to grab your tickets early…
COLLEGETOWN- Worried sick that her sweet son and his new friends wouldn’t be allowed into any Halloween ragers, Pam Byrnes drove to Cornell this morning, bringing with her the sluttiest costume she could find and a printed WikiHow article titled “How to Act at College Parties.” “I told Mom we don’t need her help,” Robby…
HIGH RISE 5 – In a reluctant attempt to love her daughter no matter what she does, Cheryl Stanton ’87 has decided to assist her daughter, Lauren Stanton ’19, in finishing her slutty mouse costume. “I love my little girl more than anything in the world,” said a disappointed Mrs. Stanton as she begrudgingly cut…
OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community. “The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the…
HELEN NEWMAN GYM — Intent on tapping into new energy resources, Cornell’s Department of Infrastructure and Planning will soon phase into using sorority girls on the elliptical machines in Helen Newman Hall to power the Ithaca campus for the next several decades. “We had experimented with wind and solar, but we are only now just…
FOX NEWS HEADQUARTERS, NY – In an effort to expose a clear bias amongst the Cornell community, Fox News released a video of interviews last night showing a resounding partiality by students toward a fun and entirely collegiate agenda. “When a report came out claiming that 96% of Cornell faculty had supported making the university…
DAY HALL – After a night of intense partying, President Elizabeth Garrett woke up this morning with both a massive hangover and immense regret from drunkenly ordering a new academic building to be constructed on campus. “I don’t even remember buying a new building, but I got an email confirmation that I did at 2:30AM…
