ITHACA –Cornell University history professor Ralph Davis was reportedly bummed to cancel his 9AM lecture this morning on Napoleon’s attempted invasion of Russia. Davis, known on campus for being a young, cool professor, told officials he had written a rap song detailing the event, which took place in 1812 and proved the last defeat for Napoleon’s French army….
OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant. “I remembered what it was like to be…
ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA—In response to hate crimes committed by members of fraternities last semester, progressive frat Alpha Sigma Sigma has taken steps to ensure that during their pledging process, the only ones being hazed are white boys. “We plan to deprive these pledges of their right to fair and equal education and while we’re at…
CAMPUS ROAD AND COLLEGE AVE—According to a new study released by the Department of Civil Engineering, walking diagonally across the College Ave.—Campus Rd. intersection has been found to be definitely worth it. “My entire commute to class has changed after discovering that trick, so it’s been cool to see the university confirm what I’ve known…
ITHACA, NY – With the impending snowstorm, the university has expressed excitement over all the potential student-built snow sculptures they hope to see tomorrow. Officials said, “Every year we always get the same few students trying to be funny and building a giant snow penis. We hope this year is different and students tap into…
BAKER LAB—A review by Cornell chemistry faculty revealed that only 23% of the department’s stringent safety protocols would be in place were it not for noted buffoon Greg ‘07. “Without Greg, Cornell chemistry would look dramatically different—well, better—than it does now,” said lead author Professor Sasha Williamson. “He was a true trailblazer. By that, I…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After witnessing devastating weather-induced power outages in Texas, the Cornell Student Assembly has decisively and unanimously passed a resolution to flip the Cornell master circuit breaker to the off position. “Here at the Student Assembly, we’re all about making a splash on the big stage,” said Assembly President Elric Choi ‘22. “If there’s…
The following letter from Vice President Ryan Lombardi was delivered to your address this morning. Good morning, What up?! It’s your pal Ryan. How have you been? Excited for the holidays? Boy, I know I am! Nothing gets me jollier like cold weather and jingle bells in the distance. There’s nothing I want more this…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—In a surprising display of enthusiasm for nine in the goddamn morning, Professor Brian Kennedy began his first lecture of the day by kicking down the lecture hall door and shouting at the top of his lungs, “It’s derivation time, baby!” The esteemed and tenured member of the physics department, fueled by his love…
URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique. “I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I saw the things he was…
