COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
March is a slow time of the year, with the weather still cold and overcast and spring still far off. Take a look at CU Nooz’s suggestions of how to spend your time in March. The Commons has lots of cool events going on but you won’t go to any of them. Go to class….
WESTCHESTER, NY — Reports indicate that after dropping you off at Cornell to begin a full year of college, your parents immediately took advantage of their now empty house by having sex in your absence. “Pretty much as soon as we walk in the door,” said your mom, when asked how long it would be until…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives. “It’s exactly how I…
DONLON HALL— Jonathan Harley ‘24 went to ClubFest in pursuit of a grade A hottie, but unfortunately found himself at a table full of very below average looking individuals, “somewhere in the 3-5 range.” Harley came to college hoping to “bang a new chick every weekend.”After weeks of unsuccessfully syncing up OpenTable reservations and Zoom…
ITHACA—The stars have once again aligned for young lovers Thomas “Tom” Wayman ‘22 and Stephanie French ‘22. This February 14th, in addition to Valentine’s Day, the couple will also celebrate their 23rd consecutive day together. “When the universe aligns like this, it just shows that Stephanie and I are meant to be,” boasted Wayman. “She’s…
I loved my time in Cornell’s College of Engineering. It was fundamental toward my growth as a human being and as a career-oriented undergraduate; some of the kindest, most intelligent Cornellians I’ve met have been my peers studying engineering. That said, the whole College of Engineering is despicable, and we should just get rid of…
We here at CU Nooz seek to provide our readers with the key facts they need to choose which candidate they think is best suited to serve as president of the Student Assembly. So here are the reasons you should vote for each of the SA Presidential election candidates: Vote for Matthew Stefanko if: You…
COLLEGETOWN — The Ithaca Mob has forced the closure of yet another one of Collegetown’s celebrated restaurants, Stella’s Cafe. “Mob bosses have been very active recently in trying to shut down anywhere fun or tasteful in the Ithaca area,” said Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner. “It’s just a shame that Stella’s was next on their…
COLLEGETOWN—In an act of generosity that has been deemed “his literal one job” and “below the bare minimum,” one landlord has responded to a report of a broken dryer by installing a completely new broken dryer. “Look, there are two main functions of a dryer,” local landlord Jimmy Hilton ‘96 explained. “The first important function…
