GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — The departure of Will Toddson ‘20 from his otherwise all-female FGSS 1101 class was met with excitement; during the first few minutes without him, the girls were finally free to remove their clothes and have a long, sexy pillow fight. “I mean, we’ll miss having a rational and logical mind to…
McGRAW TOWER — After years of obsolescence, Cornell’s clock tower has finally undergone renovations and has been updated to a newer, sleeker digital interface at 326 pixels per inch. “With technology changing as rapidly as it is today, we need to be sure to keep up with modern trends,” said Dave Choi of the University…
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell. “Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt…
ITHACA—A thrice-weekly glimpse into the home of Assistant Professor Peter Covington has proven to be a major distraction for students of his HADM 2210 Managerial Accounting course, who have taken note of the professor’s extensive collection of African fertility idols displayed across his living room. “He has mentioned before that he is single and lives…
OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant. “I remembered what it was like to be…
BARTHELONA—Despite the full week of school remaining before Fall Break begins, one wealthy student has decided to take some early relaxation after a hard-fought prelim season. “My Wines class has just been so stressful recently,” said trust fund child Jamenald Worcestershire ‘23. “I don’t know what else I should do. I just haaad to get…
WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird. “There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but absolutely no discussion of all…
CAMPUS ROAD AND COLLEGE AVE—According to a new study released by the Department of Civil Engineering, walking diagonally across the College Ave.—Campus Rd. intersection has been found to be definitely worth it. “My entire commute to class has changed after discovering that trick, so it’s been cool to see the university confirm what I’ve known…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone. “Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights,…
COLLEGETOWN—Mid-Thursday afternoon, collegetown driver Alex Harmon’s usual commute was interrupted by an age-old moral quandary. “It was a totally average day; I was driving my dad’s Porsche down College Avenue at an easy 170 miles per hour,” stated Harmon. “All of a sudden, five pedestrians appeared on the crosswalk just past the red light I…
