ITHACA—It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon as I was strolling through Collegetown, with a $6 CTB latte in hand and beams of sunlight cascading onto the skin of vitamin-D deficient Cornellians. It was a good day. Or so I thought, until I ran into my friend Jim. One might think: “Running into your friend? How…
MORRISON DINING—Last week, a feasting legend was immortalized in the rafters of Morrison Dining as Clark Ewers (5’11”, 342 lbs) was officially inducted into the Dining Hall of Fame (DHOF). Ewers’ illustrious career includes two MVP (Most Valuable Porker) awards, seven First Team All-Plump selections, a Rookie Eater of the Year title, and the coveted…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — With the midterm elections fast approaching, I took it upon myself, as an informed citizen and registered voter, to encourage my friends to register as well. Unfortunately, my well-intentioned plan to increase youth turnout this November backfired when I accidentally convinced my friend Janice to register without realizing she was actually…
Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun PRINCETON, N.J. – Cornell finds itself in first place in the Ivy League after scoring three touchdowns and four life-altering brain injuries to defeat their rival Princeton. After nailing the game-winning field goal, kicker Ricky Fleming ’20 told reporters, “This team does whatever it takes to get the W,…
TOMPKINS REGIONAL AIRPORT — All three people operating the Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport (ITH) celebrated a milestone today, when USA Today named the airport the number one best place to be delayed for nine hours or more in the United States. “We are honored. Simply honored,” said an emotional Stan Altschul, the only TSA agent…
COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Climpton stated while silently unscrewing…
LOW RISE 7 – Following weeks of talking online and getting acquainted with one another, Taylor O’Connell ’19 expressed her excitement today as she prepared to see her new architect roommate in person for the last time. “I can’t wait for Chelsea [Kapp ‘19] to get here so that I can finally talk to her…
ITHACA- Instead of partaking in the usual brunch with estranged family and friends, Cornell students decided to take a different approach to celebrating Mother’s Day. As a vast majority of students are away from home and their mothers, they took it upon themselves to celebrate the special occasion as any good children would. And today,…
It is often said that success at Cornell is nothing short of a heroic feat. It takes brave, strong, and savvy students—truly exceptional students, not the ones who merely think they have those qualities and join ROTC—to navigate the university’s harrowing challenges. This semester, I have confronted the school’s mythical academic rigor head-on as I…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
