COLLEGETOWN—While many current sophomores and juniors were relieved to secure desirable Collegetown housing for the upcoming year, one destitute freshman has very little to celebrate. Hotel school student Parker McQuinton ’27 has displayed an utter lack of initiative as he is yet to sign a lease for the 2027-2028 year. “It’s really important to use…
ARTS QUAD — A new study shows that Californian students are already tired of students from colder regions telling them how much colder it’s going to get. “I get it. I’m from California. I’m already wearing the warmest jacket I own. It’s going to get colder, I get it. I know how the seasons work,”…
IVES HALL—Amid the aftermath of the administration’s decision to discontinue its contract with Starbucks, cheers cascaded through Ives Hall as labor organizers and union supporters alike celebrated the decision. Among the gleeful shouts, Jack Stowe’s cheers rang the loudest. “We did it!” exclaimed Stowe. “The credit for such an achievement goes out to the entire…
One of my favorite elements of life at Cornell is the diversity of subjects one can pursue. I’ve learned about so many career options that I never even knew existed before enrolling–and the kinds of suckers who go into them. Even the most seemingly humdrum and soul-sucking professions—those jobs that I could never morally compromise…
ITHACA- On today’s wintry November morning, Poppa Skorton rose at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and grim, ready to perform a deed he knew he wouldn’t soon forget. Today was the day pap Davie would take Red Rover out behind the Big Red Barn and bring the sweet creature’s suffering to an end. “I…
DAY HALL- In honor of the fact that Cornell is in its 150th year as an academic institution, the university announced today that it would celebrate by constantly reminding everybody about the fact that it is 150 years old. “This is a massive accomplishment for a prestigious university such as Cornell, and we figured the…
DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.” “It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained…
GRACIE MANSION, NY—On Sunday, incumbent New York City mayor Eric Adams announced in a public video that he will be dropping out of the 2025 mayoral race. “To my dozens of supporters,” he said, “this is not the last you have seen of me. While I may not be your mayor for much longer, I…
KENNEDY HALL- The professors of Cornell gathered today to discuss the issue of copied homework on campus, and concluded that the best way to ensure the originality of one’s answers was to underline the words “No Copying” that can be found at the top of any assigned homework sheet. “We make it very clear that…
