THURSTON AVENUE—Cornell Panhellenic has announced the addition of a 14th chapter for students who are looking to join a sorority, but terminate their membership after a year. “I am very interested because I have always wanted to live in a fancy house, but ditch before I have to drown myself in paint and glitter to…
MEWS HALL – After Derek G., class of 2022, hurled his open-faced meatball sub against the Mews 3-East study lounge, “Now that everyone has something to talk about, things have become a lot more sociable!” reported residence hall director Jenna F. “Things were pretty desolate before the sub…I hadn’t made eye contact with my roommate…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Though there exist a multitude of excellent places across campus to have an emotional crisis, Sid Lathe ‘24 reached his own mental breaking point while descending down into Okenshields. Though the brief foreboding feelings of doom that accompany any trip down these particular stairs were not unfamiliar to Lathe, the accompanying sense of…
RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…
COLLEGETOWN— To the delight of students and faculty across campus, the recently-opened Johnson School building in Collegetown provides a new class setting and study space adjacent to Ithaca’s most popular waxing spot. “I love being able get my monthly Brazilian only steps away from my first class,” said Madeline West, MBA ‘18 as she gazed…
This post is sponsored by The Skits. Go see The Skits Present: Shouldn’t We Have Graduated By Now – A 25th Anniversary Alumni Show, Saturday, March 10th at 9:00pm in Barnes Hall. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com BARNES HALL—The much anticipated Skits 25th anniversary show hit an awkward patch…
ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback. “Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe and pulled it into the…
DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases….
ARTS QUAD — After being dumped on the Arts Quad and deemed as “close enough,” a large pile of much-needed seating for Klarman Hall almost made it to its destination this week. “We got really close,” said Facilities Manager James Alwin. “I mean, a few hundred more yards and we would’ve made it into Klarman…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Last week, a Cornell alumni was drafted to the NFL during the league’s 2024 draft. Following the development, NFL health scientists have begun to test coaches for brain damage too. “We found significant lapses in judgment within the upper cortex of our coach, John Ray,” said Dr. Flora Norman, a concussion specialist for the…
