COLLEGETOWN — CS 2110 Teaching Assistant Benjamin Rosier ’17 went wild with excitement Monday when he received an email from one Samantha M. Dalton ’20 that was signed at the bottom “Love, Sam.” According to reports from Rosier, the body text of the email was otherwise quite cryptic, with no overt romantic intent. “She was…
COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union. “Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of…
CAYUGA HEIGHTS– As students entered a local frat party last night expecting the usual mix of edm songs and ABBA trap remixes, many were confused when the DJ seemed only interested in playing a twenty-minute repeating loop of top 40 pop hits from the year 2014. Was this easy-listening aficionado simply a brother at the…
This article was sponsored by CUPB: Stephanie Beatriz is coming to Cornell on February 14th at Bailey Hall. Join CUPB, MCFAB, and Haven for a moderated Q&A to get a behind-the-scenes look at the hit show and her career. Beatriz is not only known for her hit show Brooklyn Nine-Nine but also for her outspoken…
KENNEDY HALL—Patrons of Trillium Dining Hall were left scrambling for headphones and ear plugs after an auditory assault by one diner who takes KFC’s mantra to heart. “It was like listening to a baby gargle its own spit up,” stated a shaken Maria Sanchez ‘24, who was sitting right across from the auricular assassin when…
DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.” “It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a…
ALICE COOK HOUSE— After realizing they were accustomed to different fast food chains, Alex Garza ‘21 and Jonathan Leftwich ‘21 engaged in a fifteen minute discussion on Tuesday about which fast food restaurants they eat at in their respective hometowns. At first, Garza, a Texas native, seemed shocked that the Massachusettsan Leftwich had never eaten…
COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That blasted Wings Over Ithaca just…
MILSTEIN HALL–Armed with a hot glue gun and 218 boxes of uncooked pasta, fifth year AAP student Julia Pisano undertook the challenge of a lifetime: the construction of McGraroni Tower–a 1:20 scale model of Cornel’s most notable landmark. Upon its completion, instead of stepping back and admiring her marvel of modern architecture, Pisano broke into…
If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there. If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed! The most important thing to…
