COLLEGETOWN—While discussing spring break plans with friend and noted wealthy person Martin Elias ‘24, Maia Robertson ‘23 noted a striking semblance between the former’s lengthy list of tropical destinations and the set of Caribbean islands referenced in The Beach Boys’ 1988 #1 hit “Kokomo.” “He mentioned Aruba, and I thought, ‘okay, that’s pretty conventional for…
GATES HALL—Group projects are crucial educational tools for building skills of collaboration, critical thinking, and problem-solving for students across the classroom. But for Jamie Hanizo ‘25, this communalistic fantasy quickly became a nightmare. As he wandered into his 10:10 AM Information Science discussion at 10:09 AM, Hanizo was greeted with a horrifying sight: the student’s…
LOS ANGELES, CA—With COVID-19 forcing Thanksgiving celebrations to be held virtually, Hannah Barnes ‘23 is frustrated that when the time came, she was moved to the kids’ breakout room for dinner. “I’m mature, I like adult conversations, and I live on my own now. What’s the point of keeping me with the cousins if they’re…
COLLEGETOWN—Dozens of redditors have once again banded together to ensure r/Cornell remains home to not only right wing-SA rants and CS workload complaints, but moderately cute bunnies, too. Progress! “Seeing these cute little bundles of fluff is the highlight of my day,” said user AnarxhyMurder231. “After the first ninety posts I told myself nothing could…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night. “This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on…
COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night. “We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking…
ITHACA, NY – University health officials have reportedly expressed concern over a new trend known as “binge-watching.” “We’ve noticed a troubling rise in high television intake going on recently at the university,” said Gannett Executive Director and Performing and Media Arts Professor Ellen Phelps. “This kind of behavior can lead to all kinds of physical…
DAY HALL—Cornell Health and the university registrar have released a joint statement declaring that due to gross violations of the policy requiring mandatory weekly tests for the 2019 novel coronavirus dubbed SARS-CoV-2, your enrollment at Cornell has been terminated, effective immediately. “The battle against Covid-19 requires buy-in from the whole community, so it is disappointing…
IVES HALL—Amid the aftermath of the administration’s decision to discontinue its contract with Starbucks, cheers cascaded through Ives Hall as labor organizers and union supporters alike celebrated the decision. Among the gleeful shouts, Jack Stowe’s cheers rang the loudest. “We did it!” exclaimed Stowe. “The credit for such an achievement goes out to the entire…
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.” This incident is the most recent in a string of…
