COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months. Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, or whatever. But those things…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus. But goddamn, did we fuck this one up. While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement,…
ITHACA, NY- Students enrolled in ECON 1110 were found to be very distraught today after the professor of the class decided to assign a fucking ridiculous homework assignment that’s due next week. According to Ryan Weems ’17, the assignment is “absolutely insane,” “unbelievable,” and “just like, bullshit.” “The professor knows that this class isn’t my…
DOWNTOWN ITHACA—In a statement released earlier today, The Cornell Daily Sun has announced that their latest “Sex on Thursdays” article will be straight-up, uncensored porn. “We’ve always felt the need to give our ‘Sex on Thursdays’ writers as much creative freedom as possible, so it’s only fitting that one of them would upload a personal…
GREEN SCREEN—In a Saturday video statement, university president Michael Kotlikoff spoke directly to the Cornell community, informing them that he was just as curious as they were about how his administration intends to address sexual violence. “I want to acknowledge something that can be difficult for an institution to say: we don’t have all the…
ARTS QUAD – Following a relatively surprising November snowstorm, reports indicate that Cornell students are using the change in weather as a conversation topic in place of much more controversial issues dominating discussions for the past month. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so snowy!” said Hannah Palmer ’19, choosing to ignore potentially polarizing subjects such…
CARPENTER HALL—For the first time in my entire college career, I have walked away from office hours with absolutely nothing to show for it. Never in my life have I felt more betrayed. Did the TA really think I dragged my ass across campus in 8-degree weather on a Friday night, when I could’ve been…
DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases….
ITHACA FARMERS MARKET—As formal season approaches, sorority women across campus are steadying themselves for the yearly tradition of taking their high level of self-worth and throwing it straight out the window. “Normally, I never would have allowed my grand big to set me up with her anxious, emaciated lab partner,” grimaced Lauren Saltzman ’20. “But…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
