WEST CAMPUS—Last Thursday, the cooks at Hans Bethe House tried their best and offered up a flavorless take on a dish with deep cultural roots. The dining hall staff was confident that, after about fifteen minutes of looking up empanada recipes, they could accurately deliver a cultural staple that has been perfected over generations all…
BAILEY HALL—Nina Ojeda ‘28 was taking her seat in Tuesday’s CS1110 lecture when a furious fit of coughing from the seat behind her caught her attention. Turning around, she saw her classmate David Mendelson ‘28 with back arched and glasses askew, clearly straining to expel something abominable from his gullet. “I’m fairly certain he was…
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
Every fall, a few brave freshmen reignite a generations-long trend of fire-starting in dorms. This year, Mary Donlon Hall fell victim. Such a choice calls into question the arsonist’s dedication to the hobby: If they really wanted to make a building disintegrate, why not douse some gasoline on Low Rise Seven? Arson has versatility: it…
After scrolling through the Instagram pages of all candidates, CU Nooz’s Editorial Team believes that no presidential candidate demonstrates the corruption and lack of respect necessary to fully represent the institutional values of this paper: power and relentless greed. Cornell stands at a precipice. We’re not sure why, or how to fix it, but the…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—Out-of-the-box thinker Jenna Locke ‘26 surprised her friends with the truly novel suggestion that they all get together for an afternoon of horseback riding. The large financial burden and immense physical danger that this would impart on the friend group did not occur to Locke, as she already owns a horse. “I’ve been…
Hey friends. Just thought I’d check in because all week, there’s just been one, singular question on my mind. Seriously, this puppy’s been keeping me up all night. If you die, what happens to your BRBs? Is it like a next-of-kin thing? Like a “oh hey, sorry your brother died, but at least you’re set…
TOMPKINS COUNTY, NY — After approving the grades that would lead 58 students to tears and 17 to change their majors, asshole math professor Nancy Druckman began piping royal icing between walls of delectable cookies to assemble her adorable holiday gingerbread house. Professor Druckman, commonly referred to as “the devil in flesh”, constructed baby Jesus…
WESTCHESTER, NY — Reports indicate that after dropping you off at Cornell to begin a full year of college, your parents immediately took advantage of their now empty house by having sex in your absence. “Pretty much as soon as we walk in the door,” said your mom, when asked how long it would be until…
MCGRAW HALL—Following major news outlets’ calls projecting Joe Biden’s victory in the 2020 Presidential Election, Cornell Republicans’ endorsement of Donald Trump in the 2020 election has been proven wrong. This complete and total whiff comes on the heels of their 2016 endorsement of Gary Johnson, making them 0 for 4 over the past 16 years. …
