HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory:…
MORRILL HALL—Earlier today, Professor A. Maximus Swaddlebottom sauntered into his 10:10am lecture this morning, claiming he was “totally stoked, fellas” about the previous weekend’s release of The Avengers: Infinity War. “Yeah, I went into it thinking that the Angry Raisinet Man was probably gonna try to eat the moon, but let me just say…he did…
THURSTON AVE—The start of the new year brings the start of a new rush cycle. Cornellians enter mortal combat to join illustrious and historic organizations such as Pi Omega Omega and Pi Epsilon Epsilon. But what of those who hesitate? After all, some are unsure about spending cash for friends. For those individuals, the brotherhood…
COLLEGETOWN – Following graduation and the departure of the majority of students from the Cornell campus, residents at 531 East State Street have been seen idly walking around their incredibly disgusting house, curious as to which person would be the first to start cleaning. “Our lease ends this weekend, and the house is pretty gross,…
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WASHINGTON, DC—A nationwide lurch to the right has secured a second term for former president Donald Trump. Suburban swing voters like homemaker Brittney White of Doylestown, Pennsylvania, were an important part of Trump’s winning coalition. White, who voted for President Biden in 2020, explained that although Trump has promised to govern as “a dictator,” the…
WARREN HALL—In a last ditch effort to save her abysmal participation grade, Isabel Miranda ‘22 spent all 75 minutes of her final AEM Statistics lecture asking a single question. “You know, I just did the math,” Miranda explained after class. “Most people contribute, what? Once a class? Maybe? Taking up every minute of class asking…
BIG RED BARN—Let’s face it, college can be hard. And on a high-pressure campus like Cornell’s, it can be challenging for students to admit they’re struggling. Historically, attempts to cope with such failures have ranged anywhere from heavy drinking to, in dire cases, getting really into rock climbing. But in recent years, graduating seniors are…
STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…
COLLEGETOWN—As finals wrap up and seniors prepare to move out of their apartments, many have begun to rejoice at the prospect of leaving behind the inflation, underregulation, and rigidity of Ithaca’s housing market in favor of the monopolization, artificial scarcity, and frenetic pace of the markets in new, cooler cities. “I can’t wait to get…
