ITHACA, NY – In honor of Cornell’s sesquicentennial, the university registrar has decided to ruin the senior year experience of the Class of 2015 by canceling AMST2001. “Canceling one of the best classes at Cornell next year—famous not only for teaching students about Cornell’s history but also about unifying classes and inspiring a much deeper…
DAY HALL–In a virtual statement given this morning President Pollack informed the plague-ridden student body that effective immediately, all Greek life members will be subject to coronavirus testing every thirty minutes. “Listen up, motherfuckers,” Pollack growled. “It’s Martha rules from now on. From now on, no brother or sister will be able to eat, sleep,…
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing. “We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step…
NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections. “Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to…
ITHACA, NY- Following the cancellation of all Cornell classes prior to 10 a.m. due to the snowstorm, Hurricane Sandy was reportedly pretty hurt that Cornell didn’t even cancel any classes for her. “At my peak, I was a Category 3 hurricane with sustained winds of up to 129 mph. 129 mph! But I guess that’s…
OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community. “The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the…
HO PLAZA—Cornell Counseling & Psychological Services made waves this week when the psychological services department unveiled their new slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?” The motto change comes as a surprise for many, who for years have known the slogan of CAPS to be “Dang, That Sucks, Good Luck With That Though.”…
DUFFIELD HALL—Table configurations in Duffield Hall this evening indicate that yet another fucking event is taking place in the Engineering Quad’s busiest hall. “I was just eating at Mattin’s when three students came up and yanked my seat from under me, muttering something about ‘needing my chair for the Tesla people,’” said Jessica Nguyen ‘20….
NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs. “Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not the type of person they’re…
COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from…
