ITHACA — After looking into the prevalence of graffiti on the Cornell main campus, investigators from the Ithaca Police Department are almost certain the vandal, who has been defacing school property with communist propaganda, is an asshole. “We had our suspicions that this hoodlum was an asshole back in November when they spray painted the…
OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Cornell’s forefront researchers have vowed to confront a puzzle that has flummoxed scientists for generations: whether frat guys look like frat guys because they’re in a frat, or if frat guys are in a frat because they look like frat guys. “For decades, the world’s top human ecologists have looked at the…
ITHACA, NY- Recent studies show that the fraternity your dad was a member of is now completely full of douchebags. This news comes as a disappointment after dad’s encouragingly fond memories of his Greek experience from 1980-1984. “These guys were my best friends, and I owe everything to the house,” said Dad, “I can’t imagine…
BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security. “We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented….
ARTS QUAD—For a rare few at the Cornell Daily Sun, journalism centers around the noble pursuit of disseminating knowledge to the public. The task of educating and informing the student body is not an easy one, so when Sun writer Davis Gardner ‘27 was first asked to write an article, he instead turned to his…
CRETE, GREECE—Reports from the headquarters of Wings Over Crete, a chicken restaurant and fierce competitor of Collegetown’s Wings Over Ithaca, indicate that the company’s stock is in free fall after a series of hubristic business decisions. “Their new wings are way too hot,” complained Tess Sitamaran ‘27. “And I don’t like this gross wax that…
RPCC PARKING LOT—Reports indicate that west-facing residents of High Rise 5 awoke to what was supposed to be a choir’s serenade at approximately 1:57am Wednesday night. Many students sleepily stumbled towards their windows to witness a local A Capella group set up microphones and a speaker to inform prospective members of their application status. Bystanders…
SIBLEY HALL—Much to the chagrin of Cornell’s artistic, architectural and alternative communities, Green Dragon Cafe has closed for the semester due to renovations to Sibley Hall. The cafe, located at the north end of the Arts Quad, has long served as a vibes marketplace and popular hangout spot for some of the university’s chillest students….
MEWS- To put the finishing touches on his new dorm room, freshman David Cobb was found today placing an adorable picture of his future ex-girlfriend on his desk. “It’s right on my desk! Now I get to look at your cute face every day when I wake up,” said Cobb while on the phone with…
