WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night. “This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on…
URIS HALL— The VP of Operations for Cornell’s Scales Acapella, Crystal Rojas ’21, confirmed she just wants people to like her, showing her love with twelve reminder emails about her survey. “I’m so grateful to be on E-board, and even happier to be your friend,” said Rojas, completely unaware of the growing disregard for her…
March is a slow time of the year, with the weather still cold and overcast and spring still far off. Take a look at CU Nooz’s suggestions of how to spend your time in March. The Commons has lots of cool events going on but you won’t go to any of them. Go to class….
DAY HALL—In an unusually sunny email, Vice President for Student & Campus Life Ryan Lombardi applauded the Cornell community, stating that in monday’s surveillance testing results, there were a total of 36 new cases, but -132 positive cases in the official NYS threshold count. “Today, I am proud to say that the active Cornell coronavirus…
Over the past few months, a sickening display of inconvenience has been hurled at drivers on this campus. Already suffering at the hand of obscure and sadistic parking regulations, drivers were punished once more when the CUPD closed off the most popular street on campus for no apparent reason whatsoever. What? Do they expect us…
COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months. “I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would turn into a tailspin,” said…
ITHACA, NY – This coming fall, a new course that will only be offered once will teach students what exactly the word “sesquicentennial” means. The university has been liberally using this mysterious term for three years now, since the class of 2015 began their freshman year, cryptically targeting these now junior students. Day Hall has had…
OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library despite current construction actively destroying their workplace.. “We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean…
COLLEGETOWN—Drenched in sweat and in a state of utter defeat, Matthew Finley ‘20 awoke yet again last night to re-adjust his oscillating fan. “See, I want it close to me, but then it can’t pull in the cool air from the window! What do I do?” cried a desperate Finley, shifting the fan an inch…
