THE STATLER HOTEL— Ellie Rosario ‘23 intentionally exposed herself to the novel coronavirus earlier this week in an attempt to escape “the cunts (Jessica Dunst ‘22, Annie Patterson ‘22, and Minnie Davis ‘22) [she] lives with.” When one of her sorority sisters, Alice May ‘22, mentioned her boyfriend on the lacrosse team had recently tested…
TEAGLE HALL—In the wake of yet another painful defeat for the football team, Cornell Athletic Director Andy Noel announced that in order to lessen the crippling weight of expectations, the university would be renaming its mascot from Touchdown to Field Goal, effective immediately. “Like all of our varsity teams, Big Red Football has a proud…
WASHINGTON, DC—The House Oversight Committee released thousands of emails from the estate of deceased child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein last week, including one that refers to “photos of Trump blowing Bubba,” speculated to be a reference to former President Bill Clinton. While Trump and prominent Republicans attempted to deflect from further confirmations that Trump was aware…
CAYUGA LAKE WATERSHED — Every Spring, thousands of salmon shorts (salmo braccae) travel hundreds of miles upstream to mate and lay their eggs. Hundreds of miles from the Northeast Coast where the shorts start their journey, Ithaca is home to one of the largest displays of pink pants traveling to their natural spawning grounds. “These…
SPONSORED POST: From now until November 16, go to www.tnote.com and enter the code “CUNooz” for $5 off your purchase. COLLEGETOWN – Supplemental course note provider TakeNote has announced it will begin offering a TakeExam service, in which TakeNote employees will take prelims and finals for students at a predetermined price. “We are confident that TakeExam will improve…
HELEN NEWMAN- The Cornell Diving team issued a short statement today, announcing the hiring of new assistant coach Margaret Baxter to nobody really. “We’re excited to welcome Margaret Baxter to the Cornell diving family, where her previous expertise will go unnoticed by almost all of the student population,” boasted head diving coach Joe Lucia, who…
COCKTAIL LOUNGE— While most students are struggling to keep up at this point in the semester, Kenzie Arnett ‘26 is managing the pressure of demanding academics with poise and grace. She has it all: a little white iPad with color coded notes, a color coded GCal, and a moodboard for her Punta Cana spring break…
In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty. “This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.” Since…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—In a surprising display of enthusiasm for nine in the goddamn morning, Professor Brian Kennedy began his first lecture of the day by kicking down the lecture hall door and shouting at the top of his lungs, “It’s derivation time, baby!” The esteemed and tenured member of the physics department, fueled by his love…
TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the…
