DUFFIELD HALL—After countless rounds of insufferable coffee chats, campus consulting clubs finally sifted through their applications and hand-picked the candidates with the brightest future in the donut industry to join their exclusive organization.
Recruitment Director Donna Baker ‘26 shed some light on the deliberation process: “The applications of any tasteless fools who prefer bagels to donuts are immediately tossed in the trash. CCCBD is a highly selective club, and to optimize profit from fundraisers we only consider those with an undying passion for ring-shaped sugary dough.”
While traits like charisma, glazing experience, and willingness to shamelessly repost donut fundraisers definitely boost applications, having a car is the key to standing out. According to Baker, top interviewees emphasize their desire to drive 160 miles on a weekday to pick up a bulk order at the nearest Krispy Kreme in Pennsylvania.
“Joining CCCBD is an absolute dream come true. The opportunity to be a Pastry Project Manager is the sole purpose I applied to Cornell,” remarked Jack Colby ‘28. “I am thrilled to contribute to the meaningful cause of promoting the top players of the global doughnut space. The hands-on experience of importing thousands of donuts across state lines to dominate the local Ithaca pastry market is invaluable.”
Upon witnessing the end of Cornell Dining’s partnership with Starbucks, consulting clubs began conspiring to fill the incoming market gap by importing Lansing Starbucks coffee into a lucrative coffee-donut fundraiser combo.
