Report: Vitamin D Supplements Doing Little to Hinder Bleak, Hopeless Future

CORNELL HEALTH— In the throes of a bleak and frigid January, Cornell’s population is, as always, seeking relief from the effects of seasonal depression. Vitamin D supplements, although their effectiveness as an antidepressant is contested, are one popular and accessible countermeasure to the inescapable darkness of the winter months. Unfortunately, experts warn that dietary supplementation…

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"Yeah, those guys were brothers here, but they already graduated."

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims

These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…

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Please Take One! Frat Leaves Basket of Zyns on Doorstep for Early Recruitment of Trick-or-Treaters

HIGHLAND ROAD—Happy Halloween! As is tradition, Cornell’s various fraternities have found themselves gearing up for a weekend of spooky costumes, ghoulishly cheap beer and raucous festivities. In their estimation, those frats that throw the most legendary Halloweekend parties will be rewarded with an influx of eager pledges. However, the forward-thinking young men at Phi Omega…

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Rescheduled Career Fair to Feature Only the Benevolent Arms-Producing Mega-Corporations

BARTON HALL—Following last week’s protests at Cornell’s annual campus-wide career fair, the administration has taken swift action to appease the student body: The invitation list at the rescheduled event has been amended to include only the friendly, wholesome defense contractors.  Despite the disruption, students are still looking forward to the event.  “I’m excited to talk…

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“You Probably Wouldn’t Have Heard About It,”: Cool Students Hold Niche, Indie Vigil for Green Dragon Closure

SIBLEY HALL—Much to the chagrin of Cornell’s artistic, architectural and alternative communities, Green Dragon Cafe has closed for the semester due to renovations to Sibley Hall. The cafe, located at the north end of the Arts Quad, has long served as a vibes marketplace and popular hangout spot for some of the university’s chillest students….

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“Come Down Here and Scan our QR Code!” Cornell Kidnapping Club Grabs Several New Members at ClubFest

BARTON HALL— Excitement was in the air at Cornell’s Fall ClubFest as students eagerly perused hundreds of the University’s student-run organizations. Clubs employed a variety of methods to entice students to join their communities, such as flashy posters, games, and performances. “A lot of clubs have already caught my attention,” observed Annika Williams ’27. “They…

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