CENTRAL CAMPUS–Amid President Donald Trump’s virulent nationwide campaign against policies favoring Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, a surprising group of students have elected to take a stand, accepting Dylan Hanson ’26 into their ranks.
“We normally hold our members to extraordinarily high standards,” stated Cornell Republican spokesperson Andrew Baskin ‘25. “They must simultaneously claim to be freethinkers and yet blindly follow words and orders of Donald Trump with a cult-like devotion. They must begrudge liberal tears and be the most sensitive whiniest little bitch babies on the planet. However, that particular combination of contradictions is usually only present among the most grotesque of gremlins, so we decided to give Dylan a shot for some variety.”
“That’s what I signed up for?” asked a bewildered Dylan. “I was trying to talk to the booth next to them at club fest, and they just kept leaping at me in their tiny suits and stupid red hats. It was like the worst game of Whack-a-Mole ever. I just signed whatever paper to get them to leave me alone.”
At press time, Cornell Republicans announced their intention to expand their DEI program to include “men who have experienced the touch of a woman.”
