CARPENTER HALL—A CS 3410 lecture came to a screeching halt Tuesday morning in the most recent case of YouTube AutoPlay catching a world-renowned professor off guard. Seconds after showing his class a YouTube video on multicore system architectures, Professor David M. Tronkowski, a 72-year-old Stanford Ph.D. and veteran computer scientist, was interrupted by an unexpected…
‘Twas the night before Slope Day, and all through Cornell, All the students were partying, and drinking like hell At two, the students, they went on their way, To get into bed, and prepare for Slope Day The campus, all buzzing, too giddy to snooze From Becker to Sheldon, and even in Mews At seven,…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line. “The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time…
DUFFIELD HALL–Adorable! Proud onlookers report that Benny DeCosta ‘23 looked as cute as a button in his big boy suit today as he prepared for his interview with the hypersonic missiles branch of Raytheon Technologies. DeCosta’s big day began early. He was too excited to sleep, so he watched an episode of Barney and Friends…
It has come to my attention that this ‘club’ is available for various… jobs. I would therefore like to ask that the Cornell Consulting Club utilize their veracity for the facts to find my missing son. Late last Sunday night, my thirteen-year-old son Derek disappeared without a trace from our residence. I’ve been skeptical of…
410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT…
NORTH CAMPUS—502 Dearborn, a cooperative living space on North Campus, offers students a non-traditional living situation. Unlike dorm living, residents have access to a house of their own, a fully stocked pantry, and 14 or 15 horny polysexuals ready to fuck on a dime. “We cook together, we clean together, we have weekly fuck-parties in…
In an attempt to find the next big viscous drink craze for his thesis, Cornell Food Science major Todd Carmichael ‘18 has been desperately looking for a new thing to milk. “I mean, people have been milking cows, goats, even various nuts. There’s not many things left for a guy like me to milk around…
DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time. “We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty…
OLIN LIBRARY—Cornell students have the luxury of enjoying a wide range of study spaces, from campus cafes to comfy lounges. Despite this breadth of options, on Tuesday, one Harry Potter ass motherfucker opted to study under the Olin Library stairs. While his peers scrolled on their iPads in plush couches just feet away from this…
