COLLEGETOWN – Putting the entire dance floor on red alert, a Collegetown party went on lockdown last night after the ball from the beer pong game attempted to make a break for it. “The hosts have the situation under control and are confident they will recover the escaped pong ball shortly,” said partygoer Michael Marks…
NEW YORK, NY—The Trump administration’s executive order stripping funds from PBS has had dire consequences for the stars of one of public television’s most popular programs. The cast of Sesame Street was blindsided by the announcement, and many are now struggling to make ends meet. “Me not know what to do. When me was younger,…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Elena Davis ‘26 has been turning heads all over campus with a recent addition to her laptop stickers collection: a bisexual pride flag. The holographic pink, purple, and blue stripes are pasted just above her Hozier sticker and to the left of a Cornell Outdoor Education decal. Davis believes this revelation came as a…
ITHACA, NY- Anticipating torrential rains, infestation of all crops via locusts, and crevices opening up to reveal the fiery pits of Hell, Cornell has announced that they have considered canceling classes for this Wednesday. As of now, students who have classes at times before 10 a.m. will fortunately avoid the rapture for a few more…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Addressing his confused and disappointed team, football coach David Archer ‘05 told the Big Red that they were “really, really close” to making the Super Bowl this year. “When the guys heard there was a big game going on this weekend, they seemed pretty heartbroken that they hadn’t been invited,” said Archer. “I wanted…
CORNELL HEALTH— In the throes of a bleak and frigid January, Cornell’s population is, as always, seeking relief from the effects of seasonal depression. Vitamin D supplements, although their effectiveness as an antidepressant is contested, are one popular and accessible countermeasure to the inescapable darkness of the winter months. Unfortunately, experts warn that dietary supplementation…
ITHACA, NY-A bipartisan compromise was reached in the House of Representatives for the national budget, leaving millions of Americans in shock and disbelief. However, the Cornell Democrats and Republicans are also reaching across party lines to dispel any rumors of agreement in the House. “I can tell you this, they did not agree on anything,”…
LIBE CAFE—The University’s switch from Starbucks to La Colombe this semester was seen as a resounding success for the local labor movement, and a devastating defeat for any fucking idiot with English as their first language. One such dumbass, Tom Hall ‘27, is having an especially difficult time nailing down the new cafe’s pronunciation. “I…
EDDYGATE APARTMENTS—After putting nearly three thousand dollars worth of line items in the Equestrian Club SAFC budget request, club treasurer Case Gadsby ‘21 awoke to find the severed head of the club’s most prized horse next to him in bed. “I know I should just withdraw the budget, but we’re planning on going to a…
In a hostile takeover this past week, the Cornell chapter of sorority Sigma Kappa Tau ruthlessly overtook and installed their own dominion over the third floor of Mann Library. The monarchy, established with Lady Jenny Harquist ’14 as lord-protector of the realm, expects all students studying on 3 Mann to be vassals of the new…
