ITHACA-Senior Eric Scaley found himself in hot water this morning after accidentally referring to his interviewer as ‘Mom’ during an interview for a prestigious position at Deloitte. The interview was going smoothly until recruiter Jen Ellison remarked that she was impressed by Scaley’s resume. Scaley eagerly replied “Thanks, Mom!” Reportedly, this was followed by 15…
COLLEGETOWN — Citing the steady stream of misfortunes that have befallen him in his first three years at Cornell, Senior Larry Alexander estimates that he will probably have at least 30-40 good fuckups before graduating in May. “If the past three years have served as any indicator, I’m pretty sure I’ll have screwed myself over…
After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2019. Here are the official admissions statistics of those lucky 15% that were accepted: 1st – 21st generation college student: 100% Admissions Department Favorite Student: Jared Middle 50% of admitted students scored between 90 and 95 Of Football recruits, those who…
7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven…
CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse. “I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, but doing that sober is…
OLIN LIBRARY—Between clubs, jobs, and homework, it can be difficult for busy students to tackle entire books for class. What’s more, searching the library for an assigned book can further complicate conquering an assigned reading. For one lucky student, however, the pre-annotated copy he picked up from Olin tells him exactly what’s important. “At first,…
ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad. “We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I kept looking at all that…
ITHACA—After investigation into the racial slurs and violent assault that occurred last Friday, officials concluded that the hate crime bigot was simply in the wrong place and in the wrong era of United States history. “Sometimes one thing leads to another and things escalate,” suggested one witness of the atrocity. “This guy’s probably just busted…
GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
ITHACA – Drew Teegen, a history major graduating this May, recently announced that he has found employment as a factory worker in Victorian era England. The senior plans on beginning his employment in July of 1844. “Through my history classes at Cornell, I’ve learned a number of highly marketable skills,” explained Teegan. “Including an in-depth…
