STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him. “I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming for students, and I want…
COLLEGETOWN— Cornell’s latest efforts to ensure pedestrian safety has had a tangible impact in Collegetown, where the average speed of a car hitting a pedestrian has gone down from 80 mph to 75 mph. The new law reduced the speed limit 5 mph, from 30 mph to 25 mph. Motorists have apprehensively accepted the shift:…
Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due. “This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages without looking at the reading,…
What do you mean? Stalking your crush through your club’s Instagram account is normal and healthy. Love requires sacrifice. That’s why, when I initially needed to find his Instagram, I went through the club account’s followers until I found the person I saw him eating with once through my binoculars. From there, it was pretty…
Cornell University has positioned itself as a champion of sustainability amidst Ithaca’s expansive wilderness, adopting practices like charging students for reusable containers and slapping the color green on things. Chief among these practices is the proliferation of water bottle filling stations, many of which claim to have prevented water bottle usage up to amounts such…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class. Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes. “Unfortunately, none of you were able…
THURSTON AVE. BRIDGE—At 9:16 PM Monday, a trudging line of solemnly shuffling figures could be seen snaking down to North Campus, participating in a timeless rite of post-prelim passage designed to cleanse the academic spirit. The lumbering group emitted a characteristic primal rumble of lamenting voices that could be heard for miles around as its…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After the Convocation Committee’s exhaustive search to find a speaker resulted in a last-minute cancellation by Hassan Minhaj, the committee has unilaterally decided to give up and just throw on an old episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy” to play at Convocation. “Kids love the show’s zany experiments and humorous sketches, and…
LOCATION BLOCKED—Streaming from the depths of his secret mountain lair, Professor Lucas Mordock excitedly announced over a Zoom lecture on Friday that “the time had finally come to set his master plan into motion,” instructing his students to submit a digital copy of their minds within a week. The chilling vision of things to come,…
