UPSON HALL—In a brazen display of ignorance and disrespect for different cultures, electrical engineering student Paula Roberson ‘24 wore overalls to class Thursday despite having no affiliation with the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. “To so clearly copy the customs of another college, while making no acknowledgement of the deep personal and spiritual meanings…
ALPHA BETA GAMMA — Hello! Me name Dylan Williams. Dylan like go party and drink lots, have good time. Is there party now? Dylan want party now! We go party soon, so Dylan have fun with different people than normal. Drinking at party good for Dylan, and Dylan very happy. Maybe Dylan even do handstand…
OLIN LIBRARY — So prelims are in the news again. Crazy, huh? Am I right? You ever notice that professors try to schedule exams at the same time? Ugh, give me a break! These guys know what I’m talking about. Why are they even called prelims? What about current-lims? I’m not making this up, folks!…
DAY HALL—Weeks of strikes have culminated in a landmark agreement between Cornell University and the United Auto Workers Local 2300 that addresses dozens of the union’s demands, including higher wages, expanded benefits, and access to a popular carbonated soft drink. While this new contract will no doubt improve the lives of the University’s employees, Cornell’s…
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10 bio class likes me back. All she needs is that little push, y’know? So I got a candle from Target, some yarn from Michael’s, and some spices from the dumpster behind Qawah. I laid it all on my desk, pentagram…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
ITHACA, NY—While walking up the slope from her dorm on West Campus last Wednesday, Michelle Boyer ’16 could not help but notice the frigid temperatures and grey weather surrounding her. Despite this climate being quite normal for the region, and this already being her second year on The Hill, Boyer remained puzzled by what she…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – Cornell football has just won their second game of the season to raise their record to an unbeaten 2-0, a rare feat for the idling ball club. Although this may seem like a welcome occasion for our student-athletes, some amongst the training staff are a bit wearier of what Cornell has accomplished….
ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion, however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,” but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca…
ITHACA—Following weeks of preparing contingency plans for a potential on-campus Fall 2020 Semester, University administrators have developed a viral containment and public relations strategy to deal with the inevitable outbreak that will occur in Mary Donlon Hall. Seen as a breeding ground for highly transmissible diseases given the perpetually close-knit nature of its residients and…
