RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again. “I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize…
NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head! “At first I thought it was the two…
ITHACA, NY- A recently released file from Edward Snowden has revealed that the NSA participated in a covert data collection operation in order to obtain information regarding student i-Clicker usage. While campus officials have defended this project as a necessary preventative measure, many students are appalled that such superfluous data collection occurred. “I just feel…
HO PLAZA — The Cornell campus was on high alert at 11 p.m. last night when a horde of squirrels went into a frenzy through campus after the Squirrel Watching Club neglected its duties during finals week to watch squirrels for radical behavior. “We acknowledge our shortcomings, and we apologize,” said Elizabeth Harvey ’16, president…
JANSEN’S MARKET — Onlookers in Noyes came to the conclusion earlier this afternoon that the entire cheesecake staring at them from the lonely refrigerated display wasn’t going to eat itself after all. “One thing’s for certain: that scrumptious-looking dessert has no capacity for autophagy and no one else in this line has the guts to…
DAY HALL—Mere hours after it was reported the Trump Administration aims to freeze $1 billion of Cornell’s federal funding, a Go-Fund Me page was created with quite the lofty objective of the exact same amount. “Trump may have unchecked political power and a cult-like supporter base, but we have this snazzy lil’ link that is…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—It’s that time of the year! As September wraps up, seniors are increasingly experiencing pressure from their parents to get a jump on their job search. Career Advisor Andrew Hastings bore the brunt of the meetings with hordes of students, all desperately cloying for a job. “Advising students on their career hunt isn’t just…
MALOTT HALL—’Tis the season of Christmas and finals! To gift his physics students a smidgen of holiday cheer, Professor Jason McDougal snuck in a silly little reference to Santa Claus in the middle of his grueling 256-question final exam. “The kids deserve something fun, after crying their eyes out for half the test!” McDougal explained…
ITHACA- In a move many are calling “pathetic” and “appalling,” the Cornell Daily Sun has posted an article to its website despite classes being out of session for the summer. “I never thought the paper would stoop this low,” said former Sun reader Jeremy Evans ’17, who now says he is embarrassed to have once…
MORRISON DINING—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted Saturday staffing Toni Morrison Dining Hall, as services across campus continue to function at a limited capacity due to the ongoing UAW workers’ strike. His presence prompted speculation from students, faculty, and striking workers alike– was he simply posturing as an everyman, or mounting a proverbial attack on…
