UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red…
410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT…
WEST CAMPUS— At this Saturday night’s Mu Alpha Nu party, Conrad Squid experienced a humiliating rite of passage for all Cornell freshmen males. After the usual chorus of “who do you know here bro?” “Name five brothers” and “Not tonight man” had subsided, the brother on door, Brandon Vines ’24 did something completely unexpected. “Thank…
SAGE HALL—The highly exclusive business clubs have begun their brutal recruitment process. The infamous coffee chat is their weapon of choice, a formidable game of skill, wits, and mental strength used to prove a prospective member’s worth to the esteemed members of the club. One such meeting was overheard last afternoon. “Me suit better, BIGGER…
Our society is rife with division about most everything. Even the most seemingly minor cultural sparks can erupt into fiery vitriol. But there is one universally agreed upon truth: the annual shift into daylight savings time is a scourge unlike any other. Each year we collectively fiddle with our clocks like bored toddlers, in the…
I’m done. That’s it. I give up. I’m not showering until the weather cools down. Every single day, no matter where I go or what time it is, I am drenched in sweat from head to toe. Collegetown to Uris? No question. Rockefeller to the Engineering Quad? Yep. I had to walk from Klarman to…
CAYUGA HEIGHTS– As students entered a local frat party last night expecting the usual mix of edm songs and ABBA trap remixes, many were confused when the DJ seemed only interested in playing a twenty-minute repeating loop of top 40 pop hits from the year 2014. Was this easy-listening aficionado simply a brother at the…
DAY HALL—After receiving word yesterday that another swastika had turned up less than an hour before her flight to IBM headquarters, Cornell President Martha Pollack quickly jotted down a four sentences campus-wide email on her way to the airport. “A few months ago, I might’ve written a long email expressing solidarity with all students and…
TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking…
BARTON HALL – During Cornell’s Biannual ClubFest, shocking revelations came to light that US Army ROTC recruiters had been intentionally targeting innocent civilians, with the vast majority of recruiting targets being misidentified by military officials. “That information is classified,” proclaimed Army First Lieutenant James McChad. “While every innocent casualty is a tragedy, the unfortunate truth…
