NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head! “At first I thought it was the two…
HO PLAZA—A festive display of Christmas lights has lit up the streetlamps of Ho Plaza, with the goal of bringing cheer and holiday spirit to campus. Word spread quickly within the local insect community, and all airborne bugs within a one-mile radius migrated to central campus to bask and buzz in luminous ecstasy. “These lights…
Every day at noon, I begin my arduous trek to the piss palace which I had carefully chosen on the ninth floor of Bradfield Hall, a place so far off the beaten path that no mortal man would dare to venture. See, a man’s experience in the bathroom is a sacred thing; it’s a time…
MEWS- To put the finishing touches on his new dorm room, freshman David Cobb was found today placing an adorable picture of his future ex-girlfriend on his desk. “It’s right on my desk! Now I get to look at your cute face every day when I wake up,” said Cobb while on the phone with…
OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields. “We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the proteins due to their relative…
HO PLAZA — In a much anticipated announcement, the newest model of the popular iClicker series was revealed during the annual World Wide Notebook Conference at the Cornell Store. “The iClicker 7 series truly revolutionizes modern teaching through a myriad of cutting-edge advancements,” said Cornell Store Director Tim Carvell, waltzing across the stage sporting a…
LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.” “These little shits have had it too good for too…
ENGINEERING QUAD—With a new class of bright-eyed first-years settling into Cornell, the University’s many student organizations are seizing new recruitment opportunities. Project team members, in particular, have pounced at the chance to contact human life, move their limbs, get fresh air, et. cetera. “Hey! Do you share your life, too?” asked Dalia Good ‘26, an…
DAY HALL – In response to a major push at Cornell toward forming the first graduate student union in the school’s history, Interim President Hunter Rawlings III sent an email out earlier today warning the university that unionizing would offer Masters and PhD students a brief glimmer of hope and happiness unseen since beginning their…
DAY HALL- University officials announced this morning an annual fee will be added to tuition in order to address budget shortfalls caused by student protests. “We love that our students participate in the Democratic process by exerting their first amendment rights,” said President David Skorton, “but it is only necessary that the University be compensated…
