Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have…
BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period. According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first…
OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset. “After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92….
MALOTT HALL—Last week, I briefly overheard Stacy and Emily talking about their floundering love lives between bites of food at Trill. Stacy lamented that Liam from her discussion section has a thing for her, even though Stacy is actually crushing on Rachel from that same section, who is also in love with Liam. Tragic! And…
As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to evolve, Cornell has once again revised its health and safety guidelines for students. Feeling confused about when and where you should wear a mask? Fear not—CU Nooz is here to help! 1. Masks are not required for any student who has achieved Dean’s List in at least two semesters,…
DAY HALL—Following the announcement of a federal lawsuit accusing Cornell of conspiring to withhold adequate financial aid, Cornell University has offered penance in the form of shelling out further to the university corporate sponsors. “We know this looks bad, but we are committed to making things right,” said Director of Financial Aid Jenn Mackrel ‘84….
THURSTON AVENUE—In light of accusations that Cornell discriminates against students who disclose mental health struggles in their college applications, students and administrators were excited to finally have a parsimonious explanation for the school’s well-known gaiety. “Friends at other schools always ask me why students at Cornell seem so happy and satisfied with life, and I’ve…
MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch. Although Wentworth had long accepted his role…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL STAIRCASE—In a landmark win for woman across the nation and Cornell University’s campus, Sophie Yaxley ‘24 witnessed the unthinkable as a girl “man-walked” up the stairs two-at-a-time in a “watershed moment” for gender equality. “I didn’t even know we had the ability to do that,” said Yaxley ‘24, “I was absolutely stunned….
COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement. “Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this…
