In a move as predictable as the changing of the seasons or frats violating COVID protocols, Cornell’s switch to in-person instruction has been celebrated by students who will once again be complaining about the class format in 48 hours, tops. “I can’t wait to be back on campus and moving around instead of sitting in…
I was sitting in my first Zoom class of the semester, blissfully chewing the singular grape I salvaged from the Toni Morisson honeydew trough, when my FWS professor asked us to debrief on the 200-page reading assignment that, quite frankly, I thought was a joke. I laughed for a moment, thinking that it would be…
After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise. “It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all,…
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…
STEWART AVE—Last Monday, biology major Nick Slattery ‘23 was forced to reconsider his financial situation after his roommate deposited his share of their apartment’s rent into an anthropomorphic monkey shaped black hole. Despite prior conflicts over this very issue, Slattery’s roommate, Jason Schodd ‘23, assured the other members of the household that he was finally…
ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…
UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite. The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta…
MORRISON HALL––Following the launch of North Campus’s Morrison Dining Hall this January, Student & Campus Life has announced a new substitute for meal swipes: students can now access the state-of-the-art dining facility by narrating the entire plot of Toni Morrison’s novel, Beloved. Within days of the announcement, every copy of Beloved was checked out of…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. “It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst…
COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night. “We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking…
