CU Nooz – Page 56

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…

“I Have Concepts of a Plan”: Trump Scrambles to Outline Essay

Nooz Staff2 years ago8 months ago03 mins

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…

Student Forgets iClicker, Confident He Can Download, Set up Mobile App Before Question Closes

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

URIS G01—After facing an iClicker question in lecture and realizing he left his iClicker at home, Chad Morrison ‘22 began the process of purchasing the Reef app, confident he could set everything up before the question closed. “Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard,” Morrison said. “Eduroam is pretty fast in this building, and my phone…

Student Voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in High School Fails Orgo Prelim

Nooz Staff12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY- Following an impressive high school career filled with many accomplishments, including being voted “Most Likely to Succeed” by his peers, Charlie Bostic ’17 has just found out that he failed his organic chemistry prelim. The freshman, who only a year before had been president of Lincoln High School Debate Team and Salutatorian of…

Professor Assigns Fucking Ridiculous Homework About Who Knows What

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY- Students enrolled in ECON 1110 were found to be very distraught today after the professor of the class decided to assign a fucking ridiculous homework assignment that’s due next week. According to Ryan Weems ’17, the assignment is “absolutely insane,” “unbelievable,” and “just like, bullshit.” “The professor knows that this class isn’t my…

Disaster! Fire Juggling Club and Big Piles of Straw Club Placed Next to Each Other at Clubfest

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

BARTON HALL–Clubfest was evacuated Sunday after the Fire Juggling Club’s live demonstration sent a wayward torch into a hands-on display for the Big Piles of Straw Club, who occupied the neighboring booth. CUPD had their hands full containing several unrelated blazes in North Campus residence halls and were therefore unable to respond to the scene….

Cornell Students Announce Intentions to Get Drunk on Slope Day Regardless of Which Bands Are Performing

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

Following the announcement of MisterWives, Big Gigantic, Brasstracks, and S’natra for the 2017 Slope Day concert, students across campus have begun declaring their intentions to get drunk at Slope Day regardless of who those bands are. “I honestly would have been fine not knowing the bands in the first place, considering I will be getting…

Cornell Football Only Able to Win Against Smallest State in the Union

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago02 mins

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND—In a powerful display of Rhode Island’s inadequacy as a state, the notoriously poor Big Red secured a 24-21 win over Brown on Saturday. The victory, Cornell’s only against an Ivy League team this season, inspired little hope in fans. “Wow, we beat Brown. Awesome,” said Craig Major ‘23. “Now, how about we…

OP-ED: It’s a Fucking Tree. Just Keep Walking. I’m Late to Class.

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago05 mins

Goddammit. I hate all you people so much. Stop it. Seriously, just stop taking pictures of the cherry blossom tree. Don’t play dumb, you know which one I’m talking about, next to Olin library, its bright pink and in full bloom. Yeah, fucking magical. I get it. But you don’t need to take another photo…

Confused Stadium Unsure What To Do Upon Football Victory

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD — As the Big Red finally achieved their first victory of the season, hundreds of fans suddenly found themselves confused, without any intuition of how to act after Cornell defeated the Columbia Lions 3-0 on Saturday. “‘Win?’ What does this word mean?” pondered Stacy Danforth ’19, who, upon the football team’s triumph, began…

“Where’s the Beach?” Asks Terribly Lost Ithaca Tourist

‘What Did I Miss?’ Asks Architecture Major Leaving Studio for First Time in 18 Weeks

Prefrosh Prepares Story of High School Drinking to Impress New Friends

Recent Graduates Wondering Who Will Take Initiative to Clean House

Global Warming Skeptics Silenced By Summer

Supreme Court Decision Won’t Change Mom’s Opinion About Motorcycle-Riding Bradley

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

“I Have Concepts of a Plan”: Trump Scrambles to Outline Essay

Student Forgets iClicker, Confident He Can Download, Set up Mobile App Before Question Closes

Student Voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in High School Fails Orgo Prelim

Professor Assigns Fucking Ridiculous Homework About Who Knows What

Disaster! Fire Juggling Club and Big Piles of Straw Club Placed Next to Each Other at Clubfest

Cornell Students Announce Intentions to Get Drunk on Slope Day Regardless of Which Bands Are Performing

Cornell Football Only Able to Win Against Smallest State in the Union

OP-ED: It’s a Fucking Tree. Just Keep Walking. I’m Late to Class.

Confused Stadium Unsure What To Do Upon Football Victory