ITHACA, NY – According to a report released by MomsRising today, it is officially too late to buy a card and send it home for Mother’s Day. The report goes on to say that even though the post office is open on Sundays, cards still cannot make it in time. Students on campus are shocked…
ITHACA- In a surprise announcement Thursday, Slope Day Programming Board named the McGraw Tower Chimes as the headliner for this year’s concert. “I love the Chimes. I listen to them all the time. I hope they play Here Comes the Sun,” said sophomore Amanda Augustin, who conceded that she would be happy if she could…
ITHACA, NY – Incoming freshman and international student Boris Katyaldev confirmed today that he was incredibly excited for the unique opportunity to attend an American university and get absolutely plastered while there. “All of my family back home encouraged me to look to America to go to college, and now that I’m actually here, I…
DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor. “Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet…
WAIT AVE — In a move that will surely stir up controversy throughout campus, The Union of White Cornell Students has announced plans to sit in rocking chairs on their front porch and fondly reminisce about life in the glory days of the Confederate States of America. “America needs to find its roots again, and…
ROCKVILLE CENTRE, NY- Rising Junior Gabriela Ramos has entered a state of panic caused by her inability to reasonably justify the fact that she knows nothing about the current tense state of affairs in the Middle-Eastern country of Iraq. “During the academic year, I can usually brush off things like this by saying I’m too…
Approximately twice a year, many Cornellians must rethink some of their life decisions. This often occurs at the end of the semester, and is often centered around their friendships with people in a cappella groups. But recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that if these people were REALLY my friends, they would not ask me…
SIBLEY HALL—Much to the chagrin of Cornell’s artistic, architectural and alternative communities, Green Dragon Cafe has closed for the semester due to renovations to Sibley Hall. The cafe, located at the north end of the Arts Quad, has long served as a vibes marketplace and popular hangout spot for some of the university’s chillest students….
KENNEDY HALL – Noting that it was a hard but necessary move, Professor Larry Miller, Biology and Society, has dropped his Communication in Medicine class only hours before the end of the penalty-free drop period. “I couldn’t handle the stress,” Miller stated when asked about his last-minute decision. “I’m already teaching 16 other credits, and…
HEAVEN—God and the Angel of Death have announced plans to kill Touchdown the Bear, a Passover gift for Jewish and Gentile Cornellians alike. “I have tried time and again to deal with Touchdown and his many crimes against the Jewish people, but it seems My methods have been too lenient thus far,” saith the Lord….
