CU Nooz – Page 57

“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Mere days after Anime Club treasurer Carl Bergenson ‘23 submitted an appeal for a $5,000 hentai on Blu-Ray budget request following its rejection, Bergenson returned home to an anonymous hand-written note threatening to “Nevuh fuck with us again.” “Past treasurers had warned me about the fearsome SAFC and told me to watch out for…

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest. “At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25….

Student Whose Whole Personality is Halloween Going To Be So Fucking Annoying Today

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

WHITE HALL—As dusk turned to dawn on the first of October, students around campus who interact daily with Amber Knight ‘23 exasperatedly remarked on how utterly fucking obnoxious she would be today on, in Knight’s words, “the first day of Spooky Month”. “For our 9 AM government discussion section, she burst into class wearing a…

Astronomy Class Looks Up, Learns

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

SPACE SCIENCES BUILDING—Students in ASTRO 1195: Observational Astronomy this week have been participating in a new groundbreaking form of experiential learning: looking up at the sky. “You know, it really is an amazing experience that I don’t think I would be able to get anywhere else but at Cornell. We go outside, turn our…

“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…

Mom Just Calling To Let You Know The Neighbors Got A New Patio

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ITHACA一 Oren Stephens ‘23 was in the middle of an Organizational Behavior lecture on Monday when he received three rapid calls from his mother, Susan, just letting him know that their neighbors got a new patio. Stephens was shocked at the consecutive calls and instantly worried that something terrible had happened, immediately calling her as…

OP-ED: Saying “Don’t Come to Class When You’re Sick” Discriminates Against Cornell’s Sickly Little Victorian Boy Population

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago04 mins

My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that puts my entire community at…

OP-ED: I Tried to Get Tested at Willard Straight But Was Stopped by a Sphinx Requiring I Answer Three Riddles to Gain Entry Into the Testing Room

Nooz Staff4 years ago011 mins

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve always liked getting COVID tested. I love the tickle I feel in the back of my sinus when I shove that obnoxiously long cotton swab up my nose, I love feeling the slippery snot exit my nostril when I pull out the cotton swab, and…

Cornell Addresses Dining Hall Overcrowding with New “Slop in a Trough” Feeding System

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system. “We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a…

“Did You Catch the Cornell Football Game?” and Other Conversation Starters that Will Start No Conversations

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

Picture this: you just took a seat at your 8 a.m. Monday morning FWS. The room is soul-crushingly quiet as your fellow first-years, slack-jawed and dead-eyed, scroll endlessly through their phones. You want more than anything to get some conversation going, but you have no idea where to begin. Desperately racking your brain for some…

Only Minority in Friend Group Already Knows Who She Going to Be

Ambitious Group Project Member Needs To Take The Fucking Hint

Motivational Message Etched Into Library Desk Undermined By Penis Right Beneath It

Polycule Sex Cult Still Calling Itself “Co-Op”

Cornell Announces “Raw Chicken Wednesdays” to Slim Down Large Freshman Class

Americans Defeat Fascism by Putting On Greatest Talent Show This Nation Has Ever Seen

“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Student Whose Whole Personality is Halloween Going To Be So Fucking Annoying Today

Astronomy Class Looks Up, Learns

“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

Mom Just Calling To Let You Know The Neighbors Got A New Patio

OP-ED: Saying “Don’t Come to Class When You’re Sick” Discriminates Against Cornell’s Sickly Little Victorian Boy Population

OP-ED: I Tried to Get Tested at Willard Straight But Was Stopped by a Sphinx Requiring I Answer Three Riddles to Gain Entry Into the Testing Room

Cornell Addresses Dining Hall Overcrowding with New “Slop in a Trough” Feeding System

“Did You Catch the Cornell Football Game?” and Other Conversation Starters that Will Start No Conversations