Friday, September 18, 2026
Sprint Football Loses to Faster, More Reliable Verizon Football 
Rush Hashanah!: Fraternity Acknowledges High Holidays by Ensuring All Cocaine is Kosher
Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine
Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis

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Sprint Football Loses to Faster, More Reliable Verizon Football 
Rush Hashanah!: Fraternity Acknowledges High Holidays by Ensuring All Cocaine is Kosher
Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine
Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis

CU Nooz

Random Nooz
Headlines

Sprint Football Loses to Faster, More Reliable Verizon Football 

Rush Hashanah

Rush Hashanah!: Fraternity Acknowledges High Holidays by Ensuring All Cocaine is Kosher

Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine

Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis

English Department Receives $12 Grant

Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

Birder Actually Not Sure About That One

Professor Spices Up Syllabus With Jokes Like “Attendance is Mandatory”

Outfit Shabby Enough to Do Work in Math Library Today

Super Seniors Devastated to Learn of “No Game” in Freshman Dorms

Following Success of Fake Wedding, SAC to Host Fake Tear-Filled Screaming Match With Fake Child Cowering in Bedroom Wondering if It’s His Fault

Nooz Staff02 mins

DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each…

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Success of Redemption Prom Inspires Class Councils to Plan Redemption FitnessGram Pacer Test

Nooz Staff02 mins

BARTELS HALL—The success of the redemption prom last Saturday has inspired Class Councils to host yet another beloved high school experience lost to the pandemic: the FitnessGram Pacer Test. “The Pacer,” a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues, will take place in Newman Arena at 6 AM the morning…

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BREAKING: No Big Red Football Players Selected in NFL Draft for First Time in Zero Years

Nooz Staff02 mins

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft.. “When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have…

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Tour Guide Shows Visiting Parents How to Hold Out Hand for Anxiety-Ridden Cornellian to Sniff Before Asking Them About SAT Scores

Nooz Staff02 mins

HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children. “A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like…

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“My Favorite Part of College is that it Feels Like the Real World,” Says Student Composing Chemistry-Themed Song Parody for Final Project

Nooz Staff02 mins

BAKER LAB—While taking a brief break from writing a song parody about organic chemistry that will serve as the final project in an upper-level course, chemistry major Donny Ramirez ‘23 remarked on his enjoyment of how “real” college feels relative to prior educational experiences. “I really love how much college prepares you for the workforce,”…

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In A Bold Move Against Guys Who Wear Shorts in 0 Degree Weather, Cornell Health and Safety Introduces Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin

Nooz Staff02 mins

CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin. “We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar…

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Frantic Hotelie Creates Flashcards for Composition of Cobb Salad

Nooz Staff02 mins

STATLER HALL–In a state of heart-pounding distress, School of Hotel Administration sophomore Franklin Terkinler ‘24 Googled the ingredients necessary to make a cobb salad in order to create flashcards for his upcoming prelim in HADM 4320: Contemporary Healthy Foods. “After I stupidly identified couscous as quinoa this past prelim, I really need to do well…

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Cornell Sets Pre-Enroll Start Time To 2am To Better Accommodate Waking Hours of Average Student

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN- This Monday, not yet yawning Naomi Morningstar ‘23 logged into Student Center to enroll in her senior year classes at the wee hours of the morning. “We thought that this was the best call for the situation,” Cornell’s Dean of Academic Enrollment Tobias Nightingale explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen…

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