Student Writes Bio Paper in Second Person
ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of…
Afikomen Still Missing, Presumed Dead
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
Krispy Kreme Surpasses SAFC as Main Body Responsible for Funding Clubs
DUFFIELD HALL — According to student treasurers, clubs and societies at Cornell now attribute a majority of their incoming revenue to Krispy Kreme donut sales as opposed to their allocated budget from the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC). Citing denied budget requests and stringent requirements, various clubs have decided that Krispy Kreme is a more…
Study: If You’re Not Good At Something Immediately It Isn’t Worth Pursuing
URIS HALL— According to a recent study conducted by the Cornell Psychology Department, if you’re not good at something the first time you try it, you will always be terrible at it and should give up. “We examined people performing a wide range of activities for the first time, from knitting to surfing and playing…
New Study Seeks to Answer if Frat Guys Look Like That Because They’re in a Frat or If They’re in a Frat Because They Look Like That
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Cornell’s forefront researchers have vowed to confront a puzzle that has flummoxed scientists for generations: whether frat guys look like frat guys because they’re in a frat, or if frat guys are in a frat because they look like frat guys. “For decades, the world’s top human ecologists have looked at the…
“I’m Actually Doing Really Good!” Claims Student Who Just Tasted Lube for Fun
BECKER HOUSE—Once again approaching the midpoint of the semester, students are faced with the question: How am I actually doing? The answer for most undergrads, all too stubborn to admit to their innate and undeniable blemishes, proves to be simply “really good,” despite the fact that several recently consumed lubricant out of curiosity. When approached…
Mom Puts Finishing Touches On Daughter’s Slutty Halloween Costume
HIGH RISE 5 – In a reluctant attempt to love her daughter no matter what she does, Cheryl Stanton ’87 has decided to assist her daughter, Lauren Stanton ’19, in finishing her slutty mouse costume. “I love my little girl more than anything in the world,” said a disappointed Mrs. Stanton as she begrudgingly cut…
Average Speed of Car Hitting a Pedestrian in Collegetown Goes Down from 80 MPH to 75 MPH
COLLEGETOWN— Cornell’s latest efforts to ensure pedestrian safety has had a tangible impact in Collegetown, where the average speed of a car hitting a pedestrian has gone down from 80 mph to 75 mph. The new law reduced the speed limit 5 mph, from 30 mph to 25 mph. Motorists have apprehensively accepted the shift:…
OP-ED: Would Be a Shame if Something Happened to That Nice Immune System of Yours
Say, that’s a pretty nice immune system you’ve got there, isn’t it? It’d be a shame if… well if something happened to it. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Look, I’m just saying that these things break all the time. People get sick is all. People get really, really sick. And you don’t want…