HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” “How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense…
ITHACA- The Cornell University Career Services office reported Wednesday that as of 12:51 p.m., all undergraduate freshmen, sophomores, and juniors except you had accepted offers for internships for the upcoming summer. “We are so proud of almost all of our students this year. They have put a tremendous amount of effort into their job searches…
WARREN HALL—In a last ditch effort to save her abysmal participation grade, Isabel Miranda ‘22 spent all 75 minutes of her final AEM Statistics lecture asking a single question. “You know, I just did the math,” Miranda explained after class. “Most people contribute, what? Once a class? Maybe? Taking up every minute of class asking…
STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…
COLLEGETOWN—Last week, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Four days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Two days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Yesterday, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. The most recent addition, Not Your Average Boba Cafe, is located next to a boba cafe, and underneath…
CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday. “On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s…
DONLON HALL — The lucky winner of a coveted 5 PM time slot and a single in Bethe Hall during the housing lottery for the upcoming fall semester does not want to be the subject of mass media frenzy or be in the public eye whatsoever, and has elected to collect her winnings but remain anonymous….
BAKER HALL — Nearly a week after the staff and faculty pre-enrollment period, Assistant Professor Justin Wilson found that he was still on the waitlist to teach General Chemistry for the upcoming spring semester. “I just kind of hate my life right now,” said Dr. Wilson, continuously hitting the ‘refresh’ button on the InstructorCenter homepage. “I was so ready…
A.D. WHITE HOUSE — As the final moments of the housing lottery came to a close, President Skorton acknowledged his ultimate failure at securing a room on campus for the upcoming academic year. “I had hoped to block with my friend Beth Garrett because she had the best time-slot,” Skorton sighed. “But she totally ditched…
ITHACA- As the semester nears an end, it has become apparent that April showers have brought more May showers to Ithaca. It had originally been predicted that the rain of the past month might have been leading up to May flowers, however it seems as though Ithaca will be experiencing more rain for the rest…
