WILLARD STRAIGHT — In response to mounting calls for increased diversity on the Student Assembly, an open forum was hosted Wednesday to address the SA’s lack of bovine members from the Cornell Dairy. “I think it’s important that we have this discussion,” said At-Large Representative Jimmy Anderson ‘17, “The dairy cows are such an integral…
ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. A…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due. “This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages without looking at the reading,…
WEST CAMPUS—Bernard Lee ‘23 recently spent eleven hours writing a negative evaluation of his COML 2050: Contemporary Young Adult Fiction class, more time than he had cumulatively spent on all the class’ assignments. “The professor once wrote ‘not enough details’ on one of my essays, so I sure proved him wrong with this course evaluation.”…
SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended. “When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I was done for,” said Chase,…
NEW ROCHELLE — With the new school year only weeks away, reports indicate that hundreds of incoming Cornell freshmen have still not read their summer reading assignment, “Slaughterhouse Five,” and have begun desperately searching online for the movie version of the novel instead. “I want to be on top of my academics this upcoming school…
NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head! “At first I thought it was the two…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure. “Hey man, what are your thoughts on healthcare quality…
CORNELL HEALTH–Noah Barnum ‘23 was left shocked after chronically swagless therapists at CAPS misdiagnosed him with a major psychological disorder instead of a “baller lifestyle.” “Yeah, I’ve been having some motivation problems lately, but who hasn’t?” said Barnum, while curled around a pile of dirty laundry on crumb-covered sheets at 4 pm. “Sure, I haven’t…
LIBE SLOPE—Excited to roleplay as the happy college students from their favorite promotional materials and stock photos, Cornellians took to the Arts Quad and Libe Slope en masse this week to enjoy the sunny weather. Yet one student with an unusually enormous appetite seems to prefer the comfort of an enclosed space, even in the…
