HO PLAZA—Cornell Counseling & Psychological Services made waves this week when the psychological services department unveiled their new slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?” The motto change comes as a surprise for many, who for years have known the slogan of CAPS to be “Dang, That Sucks, Good Luck With That Though.”…
TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well. “We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with…
ITHACA—Tompkins County officials announced earlier this week that a new TCAT policy has been implemented that allows Cornell students to give bus drivers a smooch on the lips as an option of payment. Rick on route 81 has already become a fan favorite of students, some even boarding the bus with no destination in mind…
COLLEGETOWN—Following President-Elect Joseph Biden’s historic victory over Donald Trump, Cornell for Biden President Andrew Beauregard ‘23 decided to host a certified banger with the club’s other two members in his studio apartment. Preparing all week for this night, Cornell for Biden’s Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, Outreach and Health Officer Nicholas Hunt ‘22 spent hours planning…
MCGRAW HALL—Following major news outlets’ calls projecting Joe Biden’s victory in the 2020 Presidential Election, Cornell Republicans’ endorsement of Donald Trump in the 2020 election has been proven wrong. This complete and total whiff comes on the heels of their 2016 endorsement of Gary Johnson, making them 0 for 4 over the past 16 years. …
COLLEGETOWN— Alan McMillan ‘21 recently made the stunning decision to eschew his preferred breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast for his back-up choice of oatmeal with fresh fruit. “I really felt like I was getting in a rut, what with classes and never leaving my apartment,” McMillan said excitedly while boiling some water in preparation….
WHITE HALL—Much to the confusion of her friends, Government major Angela Xu ‘22 appeared enthralled by the possibility of a national political crisis that would surely plunge American society into chaos. “Imagine how historic it would be if we had a contested election—or better yet, what about a tie in the electoral college?!” Xu squealed,…
COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months. “I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would turn into a tailspin,” said…
DONLON HALL—Rebecca Tinsley ‘24 knew things weren’t going to work out the moment she moved into her second floor Donlan double and saw her roommate had already hung a Pulp Fiction poster that would continue to haunt Tinsley throughout the semester. “I walk in, and there she is, just smoking a cigarette, though my second…
HO PLAZA—Despite conducting tens of thousands of tests for Covid-19 every week, Cornell Health‘s efforts paled in comparison to the threat posted by tourists Geoff and Stacey Vanderblum from Montgomery, Alabama. “I’m not about to let some little flu ruin my life forever,” said a maskless Mr. Vanderblum, 59, while walking around campus. “It’s always…
