TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After the Convocation Committee’s exhaustive search to find a speaker resulted in a last-minute cancellation by Hassan Minhaj, the committee has unilaterally decided to give up and just throw on an old episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy” to play at Convocation. “Kids love the show’s zany experiments and humorous sketches, and…
ITHACA- The Cornell University Career Services office reported Wednesday that as of 12:51 p.m., all undergraduate freshmen, sophomores, and juniors except you had accepted offers for internships for the upcoming summer. “We are so proud of almost all of our students this year. They have put a tremendous amount of effort into their job searches…
STEWART AVE—With the return of generations of Cornell alumni to Ithaca this coming weekend, the roads of Collegetown eagerly anticipate the opportunity to bump, scratch, and totally annihilate vehicles of all shapes and sizes. Particularly excited and primely located is the historic brick road portion of Stewart Avenue. Decades behind in much needed repairs and…
URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.” “I knew we would never work,”…
ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback. “Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe and pulled it into the…
CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev. “I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of…
ROBERTS HALL—The College of Agriculture and Life Sciences announced Friday that is will soon offer a new major for those who want to farm, but also want to put their animals through tremendous pain. “Chicken nuggets taste better after the chickens were smashed in the face with a crowbar,” explained proponent Amelia Reddick ‘20. “Watching…
GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17. “If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed…
COLLEGETOWN—After four of the most invigorating days of his life, Angelo Larusso ‘20 has returned to a snowy Ithaca campus a new man. “My perspective completely changed over the nearly three-quarters of a week I was away,” Larusso said, his face now illuminated by a sun-kissed glow and his hair a millimeter longer. “The snow,…
