HO PLAZA — Fear and worry erupted on campus when the Cornell community witnessed the evil Green Southscale Dragon, Nídhöggr, lock the Princess in the tallest room in McGraw Tower. She is expected to remain there for the foreseeable future, until either the townspeople relinquish all their gold to the dragon or she is rescued…
MILSTEIN HALL—Area architecture major Juliet Brimwire ‘21 has enthusiastically emerged from her annual 18-week-long spring studio stint, eager to reconnect with the world beyond her drafting table. “Every March, once I get into the thick of the semester, I’ll commit to turning off all of my electronics and not leaving Milstein Hall until I conclude…
MILSTEIN HALL—Students across campus are in revolt after the Archies’ latest creation was revealed to be a complete fucking nottie compared to the babe from Shrek (2001). ‘Nobody can compete with the dragon from Shrek. Nobody,” said self-described “normal guy” Kevin Lancaster ‘25, completely unprompted. “I mean, those scales can’t stop me from squeezing her…
Serial class skipper and salty dog Isaiah Freeman ‘25 was shocked to discover this Friday that their punishment for using up all their absences in PE 1350: Introductory Sailing was an eternity in Davy Jones’s locker. “At first I thought this was some kind of joke, but then he started talking about how he ‘doesn’t…
Now that prelim season is in full swing, students are scrambling to find the places to prepare on campus. CU Nooz has done the work for you and compiled a list of the best study areas so you can spend more of your time avoiding your work in other ways. Study Biology in the quietest…
LYNAH RINK- During the annual practice of Cornell’s most oceanic tradition, Sonia Steiner’s ’25 increasingly strange behavior caught the attention of her friends. “It started out normal, like, she insisted we get to Lynah an hour early so she could get as close to the ice as possible.” Reported Kirsten Gale ’25 “Sure, I thought,…
CATHERINE STREET—Amid delightful outdoor celebrations, Ian P. Aleson sat comfortably among his fellow aluminum peers in their warm soggy box. Some of the dozen had already been selected by grubby hands, popped open at the surface, and guzzled by stubbly mouths smelling of cigarettes. Aleson patiently awaited his turn, blissfully unaware of the fate that…
STATLER HOTEL—School of Hotel Administration student Michael Lowett ‘18 took over this week’s Establishment dinner with an experimental and unorthodox meal solely comprised of small geometric patterns. Lowett described his menu as “a piece that captures the duality of life and religion,” but when customers showed up for the event, almost no food was served….
KENNEDY HALL—Fresh out of vibrantly-colored stickers to slap on his face, Peter Tripe ‘25 was facing the utter embarrassment of going outside with a single pimple on his forehead. Fortunately, Tripe was able to deftly avoid disaster by turning himself into a clown. “God I looked ridiculous,” said Tripe, his lips painted green. “This morning…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—It’s that time of the year! As September wraps up, seniors are increasingly experiencing pressure from their parents to get a jump on their job search. Career Advisor Andrew Hastings bore the brunt of the meetings with hordes of students, all desperately cloying for a job. “Advising students on their career hunt isn’t just…
