Cornell ROTC Admits 90% of ClubFest Targets Actually Innocent Civilians

BARTON HALL – During Cornell’s Biannual ClubFest, shocking revelations came to light that US Army ROTC recruiters had been intentionally targeting innocent civilians, with the vast majority of recruiting targets being misidentified by military officials. “That information is classified,” proclaimed Army First Lieutenant James McChad. “While every innocent casualty is a tragedy, the unfortunate truth…

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Student Gets The Bad TA

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Upon arriving to her first discussion section on Wednesday, Julie Witzeman ’20 was shocked to discover that she was placed into the section led by the bad TA. “Apparently my TA has a reputation for responding infrequently to emails, not explaining the important points, and taking points off assignments for every minor…

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Student Hits Rock Bottom Somewhere Between Start and End of Okenshields Staircase

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Though there exist a multitude of excellent places across campus to have an emotional crisis, Sid Lathe ‘24 reached his own mental breaking point while descending down into Okenshields. Though the brief foreboding feelings of doom that accompany any trip down these particular stairs were not unfamiliar to Lathe, the accompanying sense of…

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