COLLEGETOWN—Ithaca winter weather brings plummeting temperatures and gale-force winds, making a meager 32 degrees feel like sub-zero. The temperature alone is enough to dishearten even the most ardent winter enthusiasts. However, there is but one force stronger than the most biting chill of a Cornell February, inextinguishable by the elements, that scarcely dims in the…
After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise. “It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Introduction to American Government professor Don Goodin has magnanimously introduced a policy of no required books, instead providing thousands of pages of online reading that must be printed. The generosity has not gone unnoticed by students. “Professor Goodin really gets that some students just can’t afford all the books,” said Nanette Warner ‘22….
Hey queen! Can we have a little chat, just you and me? I am coming to you as a nameless, faceless concerned individual who is definitely not your best friend because nothing else seems to be getting through to you up to this point. I know the pandemic has been tough on all of us,…
ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests. “Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,”…
ITHACA—Two days of rest and relaxation were not enough for Joel Robinesson ‘23, who used his February break to embark on a thrilling and debaucherous methamphetamine-fueled bender. “I’m just feeling great. Really great. Super great. Totally great. You guys can see me right?” said Robinesson late Monday afternoon when he was spotted wandering around campus….
410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT…
LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed. “There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.” The early grad added that with four years of…
OLIN STACKS—In the privacy of a measly peasant corner cubby on Olin’s 7th floor, the tears and sniffles of Owen Simons ‘26 echo down the rows of desks. Approaching his 19th hour in the stacks, the unimaginable dawned on Owen and he broke down with the certainty that he had no choice but to become…
ITHACA—It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon as I was strolling through Collegetown, with a $6 CTB latte in hand and beams of sunlight cascading onto the skin of vitamin-D deficient Cornellians. It was a good day. Or so I thought, until I ran into my friend Jim. One might think: “Running into your friend? How…
