COLLEGETOWN—Following President-Elect Joseph Biden’s historic victory over Donald Trump, Cornell for Biden President Andrew Beauregard ‘23 decided to host a certified banger with the club’s other two members in his studio apartment. Preparing all week for this night, Cornell for Biden’s Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, Outreach and Health Officer Nicholas Hunt ‘22 spent hours planning…
Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A…
ITHACA – An email received by students and faculty this morning provided a warning that during the previous night, a rogue Kathy Zoner had been seen at large in Collegetown. “At 11:45 yesterday evening, a figure later determined to be Cornell Chief of Police Kathy Zoner was reported to be wreaking havoc outside of Collegetown…
ITHACA, NY — According to an aggressively loud conversation, sources have confirmed that area freshman Adam Nelson has become the first individual to come up with five “drinking days” of the week. In an act of astounding wit and ingenuity, the natural resources major was loudly shouting, “Yo, let’s go! It’s Mixed-Drink Monday! let’s get…
Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity. “We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,”…
Last week, the TA sighed when I raised my hand for help. That really stung, but I expect it will only haunt me for a few more years. Then, my best friend got an offer from her dream internship. It made me feel like shit. I’ll never accomplish my goals, but I don’t deserve to…
URIS HALL — In a recent study from the Cornell Psychology department, the vast majority of university students are found to be most productive during lectures when they are doing homework for other classes. “The data suggest that, instead of paying attention to philosophy or economics professors, a student’s time during rambling seminars is much…
WASHINGTON D.C.—In an official statement from the White House this past Sunday, President Donald Trump completely denounced the consumption of pork, claiming he will “never eat a smidge of delicious, juicy, er–I mean DISGUSTING pork again.” This puzzling move has been viewed by many as a publicity stunt, specifically for the purpose of impressing NYC…
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen pizza from the comfort of…
DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.” “It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained…
