LYNAH RINK—During last Sunday’s ECAC Women’s Hockey Championship, dedicated Cornell hockey fan Dylan Holmes ‘20 was utterly bewildered as to why the Lynah Rink parking garage was full despite there not being a single men’s hockey game scheduled. “It was crazy. Maybe there was a baseball tournament or something? I know the hockey playoff is…
HIGH RISE 5—Despite the limited number of West Campus housing spots, total dumbass David Iyer ‘21 actually believed he had a shot at becoming one of the few upperclassmen to live on West Campus next year in the 2019-2020 housing lottery. “I mean, I know Cornell’s a really big school,” said Iyer, a complete fuckwit….
CARPENTER HALL—For the first time in my entire college career, I have walked away from office hours with absolutely nothing to show for it. Never in my life have I felt more betrayed. Did the TA really think I dragged my ass across campus in 8-degree weather on a Friday night, when I could’ve been…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Introduction to American Government professor Don Goodin has magnanimously introduced a policy of no required books, instead providing thousands of pages of online reading that must be printed. The generosity has not gone unnoticed by students. “Professor Goodin really gets that some students just can’t afford all the books,” said Nanette Warner ‘22….
COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed…
COLLEGETOWN—After four of the most invigorating days of his life, Angelo Larusso ‘20 has returned to a snowy Ithaca campus a new man. “My perspective completely changed over the nearly three-quarters of a week I was away,” Larusso said, his face now illuminated by a sun-kissed glow and his hair a millimeter longer. “The snow,…
KENNEDY HALL— After handing back her first set of prelims this semester, Linguistics Professor Margret Coleman took the opportunity to remind the class she was committed to helping every student in the class succeed, so long as they aren’t stupid. “I noticed some of you had trouble with certain key concepts on this exam. If…
URIS G01—After facing an iClicker question in lecture and realizing he left his iClicker at home, Chad Morrison ‘22 began the process of purchasing the Reef app, confident he could set everything up before the question closed. “Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard,” Morrison said. “Eduroam is pretty fast in this building, and my phone…
DUFFIELD HALL—Table configurations in Duffield Hall this evening indicate that yet another fucking event is taking place in the Engineering Quad’s busiest hall. “I was just eating at Mattin’s when three students came up and yanked my seat from under me, muttering something about ‘needing my chair for the Tesla people,’” said Jessica Nguyen ‘20….
COLLEGETOWN—After months of putting in absolutely no effort to secure an internship for the summer, Tanmay Anand ’21 was relieved that he finally landed a coveted Job Opportunity. “I still haven’t gotten around to actually apply anywhere, so I’m guessing some recruiter found my Linkedin and emailed me thinking I’d be a perfect fit,” Anand…
