DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action. “We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance to face an actual lawsuit,…
BAILEY HALL – Approximately fifteen minutes into her 10:10 AM lecture for Intro to Marketing, Haley O’Quinn ‘19 had literally no idea what her professor was saying after she started texting during class. “Since I was in my first morning class and hadn’t had the chance to check my phone yet, I went through my…
MORRISON HALL—After an arduous week of classes, the weary, hungry masses gathered in the one place that grants them respite, where the turbulence of life gives way to comforting predictability and dependable mediocrity: The Morrison Pasta Station. However, today, a cruel shock shattered this spaghetti sanctuary and the already-paper-thin wills of many students. “I have…
THURSTON AVENUE—Cornell Panhellenic has announced the addition of a 14th chapter for students who are looking to join a sorority, but terminate their membership after a year. “I am very interested because I have always wanted to live in a fancy house, but ditch before I have to drown myself in paint and glitter to…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
COLLEGETOWN—Jessica Ashdale ’20 began unfurling her crumpled, uncomfortably-soggy baseball costume Friday evening in preparation for yet another weekend of costumed revelry. “How the hell did I get beer on every inch of this costume?” Ashdale said while examining the wadded XXL t-shirt she last tossed in the corner of her apartment Sunday after a bout…
COLLEGETOWN—Dozens of redditors have once again banded together to ensure r/Cornell remains home to not only right wing-SA rants and CS workload complaints, but moderately cute bunnies, too. Progress! “Seeing these cute little bundles of fluff is the highlight of my day,” said user AnarxhyMurder231. “After the first ninety posts I told myself nothing could…
ITHACA FARMERS MARKET—As formal season approaches, sorority women across campus are steadying themselves for the yearly tradition of taking their high level of self-worth and throwing it straight out the window. “Normally, I never would have allowed my grand big to set me up with her anxious, emaciated lab partner,” grimaced Lauren Saltzman ’20. “But…
COLLEGETOWN — After several months of research and careful consideration, you can safely say that your mother bears no resemblance whatsoever to your girlfriend. This breakthrough is a result of tireless effort on the part of your conscious mind, constantly evaluating your girlfriend’s features and actions to ensure that she bears no resemblance to the…
A CHILDHOOD HOME—Hosting Thanksgiving is an all-hands-on-deck affair. Mother of three Linda Lewis is especially grateful for how her adult children have stepped up and lent a helping hand to the preparations. Eldest daughter Anna picked up relatives from the airport and went grocery shopping, youngest child Sylvia deep-cleaned the living room and kitchen, and…
