ITHACA, NY—Following New York’s legalization of recreational cannabis, a university president of a certain Ithaca-based college has taken it upon herself to provide guidance and clarity for students. Not long after the ink dried on Governor Cuomo’s signing pen, Ithaca College President Shirley M. Collado sent an all-faculty and student email letting them know that…
See that girl over there? That’s my freshman roommate…I think. Yeah. She was my roommate from freshman year in Mews. She had the key to all my personal belongings for an entire year, and I’m… I wanna say, like, 80% sure that’s her. Okay, that might not be her. I’m really leaning toward thinking, yes,…
Ithaca, N.Y. — Two weeks ago, Cornell’s bhangra dance group won a Today show talent contest and earned a spot in the quarter finals of ABC’s hit show America’s Got Talent. The response from the Cornell community has been overwhelmingly supportive after finding out through this news that the group exists. Many Cornellians chimed in…
AG QUAD – Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy nibbling on this artisanal gourd I bought at the farmer’s market. Wait, you don’t get your produce from the farmer’s market? Wow, that must make me fresher than you in every way. That’s right. I’m not paying these higher prices just to…
WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a…
URIS HALL—The second week of classes started uneventfully, with students settling into their routines and professors getting to know their classes. However, a few terrified students in Uris Hall G01 were in for a cruel surprise. “The professor seemed more irritated than last week. Maybe because only half the class showed up after he said…
DAY HALL—After receiving word yesterday that another swastika had turned up less than an hour before her flight to IBM headquarters, Cornell President Martha Pollack quickly jotted down a four sentences campus-wide email on her way to the airport. “A few months ago, I might’ve written a long email expressing solidarity with all students and…
JAM PROGRAM HOUSE – Norman Samson and Benjamin Harrison, long-time roommates in Cornell’s music themed program house JAM have recently announced they are splitting up over “creative differences.” “I really feel like we need to stay true to our roots,” said Harrison as he tearfully glanced at their old, dusty acoustic guitars. “But as the…
COLLEGETOWN—As finals wrap up and seniors prepare to move out of their apartments, many have begun to rejoice at the prospect of leaving behind the inflation, underregulation, and rigidity of Ithaca’s housing market in favor of the monopolization, artificial scarcity, and frenetic pace of the markets in new, cooler cities. “I can’t wait to get…
CALL AUDITORIUM – Swaying back and forth while fondly recalling a simpler time before the mainstream media takedown of the conservative party, former Georgia Republican representative Newt Gingrich sat in an old creaky rocking chair for the entirety of his lecture at Cornell. “Free speech on liberal college campuses is under attack! Why, when I…
