CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class. “It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even talked in my algo lecture…
LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts for daily wear, Big Red…
MALOTT HALL—During the first class period Monday, Professor Robert Tolkan informed MATH 2940 students that he will not warn them before discussing any mathematical concept covered in the course. “Consider this your trigger warning,” said Tolkan as he strutted up and down the aisles of the lecture hall, attempting to look at each student in…
THURSTON HALL—Despite the imminent end of this academic year, Jameson Tucker ‘21 continues to struggle with the first problem set of the semester for his PHYS 2213 course. “I’ve been comparing with other students, coming to office hours every week, and I even bought a chegg account,” said Tucker, sitting with a baffled TA. “But…
In an attempt to find the next big viscous drink craze for his thesis, Cornell Food Science major Todd Carmichael ‘18 has been desperately looking for a new thing to milk. “I mean, people have been milking cows, goats, even various nuts. There’s not many things left for a guy like me to milk around…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to go by the time I…
DRYDEN—Citing high rent costs and low demand, Collegetown’s newest restaurant will close immediately following opening day. “It’s been quite a run getting the ingredients needed to make our would-be-famous pizza, but unfortunately, I think our time here in Collegetown is done,” said owner Botswana Capri-Sun at the restaurant’s joint grand opening and going out of…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Monday’s already droll introduction to anthropology lecture grinded to a halt yet again due to another one of Kevin’s pedantic questions. To the annoyance of the entire class, the question launched the formerly on-topic professor into a complete and thorough examination of the various hypothetical scenarios and well thought out concerns raised by…
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…
KLARMAN HALL—Following the debate over whether to change Cornell policy on graduate student relationships with professors, History professor and thesis advisor Corbin Mantelfield ‘77 appeared to be a little too eager to meet with all of his young advisees regarding their theses. When informed about the proposed policy changes, Mantelfield’s advisee Gracie Smertel ‘18 remarked,…
