BAKER LAB—While taking a brief break from writing a song parody about organic chemistry that will serve as the final project in an upper-level course, chemistry major Donny Ramirez ‘23 remarked on his enjoyment of how “real” college feels relative to prior educational experiences. “I really love how much college prepares you for the workforce,”…
STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket. “All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed out, and they pathetically offered…
DONLON- As classes have started for students, reports indicate that all male freshmen are currently trying to figure out their masturbation schedules. “I know Peter has a lab every Monday night, so that might be a good time, though there may be other people on the floor at that time,” said Daniel Winters ’18 while…
ITHACA- In a move many are calling “pathetic” and “appalling,” the Cornell Daily Sun has posted an article to its website despite classes being out of session for the summer. “I never thought the paper would stoop this low,” said former Sun reader Jeremy Evans ’17, who now says he is embarrassed to have once…
‘Twas the night before Slope Day, and all through Cornell, All the students were partying, and drinking like hell At two, the students, they went on their way, To get into bed, and prepare for Slope Day The campus, all buzzing, too giddy to snooze From Becker to Sheldon, and even in Mews At seven,…
HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands. Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding…
DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut. “I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to…
410 EDDY ST— Just won a goldfish from the State Fair, but don’t have anywhere to put it? Was the fish you brought from home evicted from its luxurious >10 gallon tank by cruel and vindictive university policy? Fear not! The staff at CU Nooz have assembled a step-by-step guide on how to find your…
HO PLAZA—Cornell Counseling & Psychological Services made waves this week when the psychological services department unveiled their new slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?” The motto change comes as a surprise for many, who for years have known the slogan of CAPS to be “Dang, That Sucks, Good Luck With That Though.”…
Last week, the TA sighed when I raised my hand for help. That really stung, but I expect it will only haunt me for a few more years. Then, my best friend got an offer from her dream internship. It made me feel like shit. I’ll never accomplish my goals, but I don’t deserve to…
