Wednesday, September 9, 2026
Jewish Student Uses Yom Kippur to Reflect on How He Doesn’t Have Food in House Anyway
Atlas Angry at Classmates for Piggybacking on World-Lifting Group Project
University: Hazing OK When It’s, Like, A Tradition
Cornell’s Only Psychiatrist Not Sure Whom They Can Ask for Help

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Powerball Winner’s Parents Still Complaining About Tuition
Cornell Presidential Inauguration Dwarfed by Newfangled Feminist Ideology
Senior Days 2024 To Go Fully Virtual, For Old Times’ Sake
Student Thinks of Female Friend ‘As a Sister’ Who He Would Still Have Sex With if Offered

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Headlines

Board of Trustees: ‘It’s a Girl!’

“It Sure Would Be a Shame If Something Happened to Your Club’s Funding,” Says SAFC Officer with Outstretched Palm

Mononucleosis Researcher Calls for Release of Epstein-Barr Phials

Consulting Club Reject Forced To Learn Insider Trading On The Job

SA Candidate Ahlers ‘18 Only Winning Since Name Is First On Ballot

Cornell Computer Scientist Now More Computer Than Scientist

Cornell’s Business Frats Shocked To Learn Of Radical New Networking Technique Called “Making Friends In Class”

Skateboarder In Front of Milstein Hopes No One Saw That

Concert Commission: “This Jerkface Artist Canceled the Homecoming Concert We Definitely Planned”

Redditor Roommate Now An Epidemiologist

(Original picture from Boris Tsang / Sun Photography Editor, 11/20/2020)

CUPD Releases Survey Showing 107% Approval Rating on Campus

Nooz Staff02 mins

BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security.  “We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented….

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Student Accused of Using AI Forced to Defend Worst Discussion Post Ever

Nooz Staff02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH– Senior Grant Lampert ‘26 is living every student’s worst nightmare. After spending time and energy writing a discussion board post without AI, he has been accused of violating Cornell’s generative AI policy. English Professor Robin Castillo claimed she was immediately suspicious of Lampert’s post on Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus due to…

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OP-ED: I Have Medically Sensitive Nipples And I Refuse To Obey Cornell’s Tyrannical Shirt Mandate

Nooz Staff03 mins

For years, Cornell University has instituted reckless, unempathetic, totalitarian rule over its students. From old-school behavioral codes to more modern restrictions on dining plans and housing, every aspect of our lives are controlled by Martha’s cackling cabal of campus administrators. Yet one mandate has gone unprotested, undiscussed, and the sheeple refuse to address it in…

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Campus Professional Fraternities Compete to See Who Can Most Creatively Reject Students of Color

Nooz Staff02 mins

WARREN HALL—During a rush season that was stressful for everyone, Cornell professional fraternities had a particularly difficult time competing with each other to see who could come up with the most ingenious excuse for yet another class of inductees looking like an assortment of Michael Cera’s stunt doubles, but without any of the charisma. “Look,…

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Junior Drags Out Stained, Beer-Soaked Costume For Second Consecutive Halloweekend

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Jessica Ashdale ’20 began unfurling her crumpled, uncomfortably-soggy baseball costume Friday evening in preparation for yet another weekend of costumed revelry. “How the hell did I get beer on every inch of this costume?” Ashdale said while examining the wadded XXL t-shirt she last tossed in the corner of her apartment Sunday after a bout…

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Guy Who Read Warrior Cats in Middle School A Little Too Into This Cat Costume

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors. “I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to…

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