PITTSBURG, PA—A positive energy swept through Cornell this morning as it was learned that the college was once again ranked the top university in the country by Billy’s mom. “You know, I’ve seen a good number of colleges in the northeast, and I just know that Cornell is just the best one out of all…
DAY HALL — Following a common trend that has been taking place over the last decade, Cornell University has announced that it will be increasing student tuition by two vital organs for the 2015-2016 school year. “We understand that this move will not be popular among the students, however the costs of running a major…
ITHACA, NY — Unemployed recent graduate Ethan Joseph ‘14, best known as “the Arts Quad kid” for regularly sitting on the southwest corner of the Arts Quad in all weather, reading and smiling at passers-by, is reportedly considering returning to school and reading on one of the nation’s law school quads. “I guess my time at Cornell,…
In a statement released last Monday, The Cornell Lab of Ornithology announced that its researchers have learned everything there is to know about birds and would be shutting down all operations indefinitely. “Birds are very simple creatures. We know that their hollow bones and feathers help them fly, and that they use their beaks to…
KENNEDY HALL- The professors of Cornell gathered today to discuss the issue of copied homework on campus, and concluded that the best way to ensure the originality of one’s answers was to underline the words “No Copying” that can be found at the top of any assigned homework sheet. “We make it very clear that…
ITHACA- Testifying that this was going to be a deciding moment in her life, junior Cheryl Eisen ’16 said today that it is now, never, or next year to turn things around and really get her grades up. “I understand that I’ve been slacking for the past two years, but not anymore. It’s either I…
ITHACA- Claiming that they were all up for the challenge and mentally prepared to face anything in their way, all 700 high school valedictorians of the incoming freshman class asserted today that they were ready to resume their status as smartest student in the school. “I worked pretty hard in my public high school to…
ITHACA, NY — Last Tuesday, rising Junior Archie Spruce published the findings of his research detailing a remarkable 70 (previously undocumented) new kinds of sweat. Spruce is spending the summer in Ithaca conducting his research as “the humid, jungle-like temperatures” provided ideal experimental conditions. “We are pleased to publish the conclusions of our study, conducted…
If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there. If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed! The most important thing to…
ITHACA, NY — Steven Terry, ‘17 , placed on academic probation this spring, reportedly found a real-life application for Calculus when he realized that he needed to pass the course in order to enjoy all the benefits conferred by a university diploma. The struggling Freshman was studying in the stacks when he frustratedly asked those…
