DAY HALL—Though union organizers had hoped to share their demands with President Pollack at a meeting earlier this week, they were instead gifted with the president’s own sage wisdom. Pulling from her personal experience in the workforce, Pollack advised the group to simply seek out the coffee serving equivalent of Ryan Lombardi and “have him…
ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus. “President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this…
MORRILL HALL—In the wake of research showing Cornell’s endowment was derived from government gifts of stolen Native land, campus administration has made Cornell the world’s first university to deliver a land acknowledgement before completing purchases of stolen Native land from the federal government.“We Cornellians take pride in our status as a land-grant university,” stated Vice…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
MALOTT HALL—In a passionate display of wishy-washy spinelessness, math professor Audrey Cook took the first twenty minutes of her morning lecture to plead with her students to really, really think about whether they should bother handing in their homework. “Listen, I know you all cheered last week when I said you didn’t have to do…
DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. “Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester. “I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30…
ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad. “We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I kept looking at all that…
DAY HALL—As Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life, finished the penultimate chicken wing in a spicy wing challenge with “Hot Ones” host Sean Evans, he became increasingly worried about his inability to taste any of them. Lombardi, who pounded through Wings 1 and 2, Sriracha and Franks respectively, initially believed his spice…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the wake of horrendous hate crimes committed against Asian-American women, Cornell University Administration has reiterated its commitment to improving as an anti-racist institution, as long as they don’t have to focus on fixing more than one thing at a time. “Last May, in the wake of widespread protests, we put out a…
